𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 ➯ 𝘈𝘏

𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘢

dear anthonie,

it's nearing 24 hours since the news broke out that you had passed. i still can't even believe what happened. do you have any idea how much everything hurts?

i've been broken too much again and again. first with dan, now with you. all i wanted to do is slam my fist into a wall and i don't give a shit if i bled out, all i could do was just lay there and sob my eyes out. i cried my eyes out three times yesterday, anthonie. it hurts too much. i went to bed crying thinking of you. i just cried and cried and cried and i couldn't stop. waking up, the stains from my tears were all over my pillow.

i think the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go. it's so much easier to act like none of this matters and to pretend to wear a smile than to confess my heart is nearly broken from losing someone who was never mine. some days you'll feel sad without knowing why. like you lost something very precious but forget what it was, or like you miss someone you never met.

when you lose someone you love, you gain an angel, you know? it's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. we know you'd be with us today if heaven wasn't so far away. you know you love someone when the mere thought of losing them brings you to tears.

i love you, anthonie. godspeed, my love. 💔

- marisa

taken with permission from _marisatamayo's rant book.