I tend to disassociate a lot. It's just something I'm accustomed to at this point. I think everyone has felt cut off or isolated from reality at some point, so it should be fine.
The problem is the way it keeps changing.
Just like the way feelings are presented, the way disassociating is presented to me changes a lot.
I draw a lot of vent art to help describe how I'm feeling, especially when words don't work. So for this I'll be comparing vent art from the start of the year to one I drew like 10 minutes ago.
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The composition of my feelings and disassociation has changed a lot. Before, everything was sharp and chaotic, with scribbles and lack of understanding. Now a days it's like, I know too much. I understand what's happening, but just accept it. Everything is bubbly and repressed. The colours aren't defined, but the shapes are. Nothing is sharp, it's just dull. I don't even try to fight back anymore. I tell myself I will, but I never do. I don't think I want to anyway.
I think the way disassociating is presented to me has changed depending on my mental health.
January was a high state of depression and anxiety for me. I had anxiety attacks almost every week, was obsessed with self harm and suicide, and always fought back. I always believed that there was something I could do, if I just struggled against these feelings for a bit longer.
But now it feels like I've given in. I know that it doesn't matter what happens if I struggle, but it won't work. I'm not obsessed with anything anymore. I just give in when I want to hurt myself. I'm not frantic, but I'm not comfortable either. It's calm, but not tranquil. Probably because my anxiety has gone down a lot over the past few months. But then what am I feeling now? What is causing this kind of dissociation from reality? Why do I see myself in the 3rd person 24/7?
It's not depression, I don't think so at least. I just know that it's a new form of Dull. I'm not even scared. I've just kinda accepted it.
