WILD WEST OF THE HEART

S I X

Her scars glistened in the lights, her shadow forming a silhouette on the table behind the lantern. There was a piece of paper in front of her, a part of which was already soaked in tears-

-tears that were maybe from the pain she inflicted by herself, on her arm with a blade.

Just a stripe, a mark to make sure she still felt something. And she loved that she didn't. She felt numb the past few days, after her ordeal. And that one stripe, had transitioned into several.

She wasn't doing okay, and she knew. Fiyin.

Perhaps that could have been the other reason that caused tears to fall from her eyes, till they couldn't anymore. There she was, with that piece of paper and a pen quivering in her left hand. She could barely give it a firm clasp, for someone that had the intention to write. Both her hands, and her eyes were sore red. And she mumbled on her words.

She had a scarf around her neck which she slowly let fall down her shoulders. She was seated in this confinement by the corner of her room, that place could easily pass her safe space.

Of course it used to be her mother's. It explained why she always ran here when she needed to feel safe, when she was in pain. It was like her own mother's embrace because it used to be hers-

-be it when her father would drunkenly yell at her, or when her uterus ruptured each month. When she had to go through the night hungry or when she just needed to be close to Ophelia, she would be here, curled up in that corner.

Unlike Obi's, Fiyin's mum left as a result of her father, who'd pushed her to the limits. She used to talk of how he made her feel and how much regret came with it. Regret that she ever married him.

Fiyin would often think if she so badly regretted marrying him, then she also felt that way towards having her. And alas, she got her answer when her mother walked through those doors at age five, and never came back. She was too young to know what had happened and her father always said, she would come back. But after about three years, she herself did the maths and figured Ophelia was never coming back. Not to her father, nor to her.

As much as she wanted to call her selfish, she understood now, how her father made her feel. But still, it didn't mean she stopped wishing she had stayed. Or at least took her along with her.

Times like this, she wished just that.

She didn't get the comfort of a goodbye letter or at least something, maybe something to remember her by, other than cheap wood. There was a part of her that detested Ophelia for that, and the fact that she was probably something now, living her best life-

-while her daughter was harming herself, and feeling like shit. Detested was an exaggeration, because how could you feel so strongly about the person that birthed you?

But i mean, she did abandon her daughter.

And maybe if she was still here, all the terrible things wouldn't have happened to Fiyin. I mean, there was that butterfly effect thing.

Terrible things like her sleepless nights and anxieties, like her having to hawk for a living whilst she was still young. Like her being assaulted and raped twice.

Twice.

It was more than terrible. It was the worst she'd ever felt. The most she ever hated herself, and in that moment when she felt numb, the pen fell out of her hands, and she brought her head to the table.

I was wrong about the tears not being able to fall anymore because it did. We often talk about acceptance and moving on from things like these, but rarely do we talk about the first few days after.