January 15th 1967
I woke up beside Ethan looking outside to see the sun rising, i sit up looking at the colours mixing together bringing me at peace. I don't feel much but anxiety is the only emotion that i have, it sucks it does but it's not so bad at the same time.
I look over my shoulder to see Ethan sleeping peacefully his lips parted as soft snores leaving his mouth, i smile gently as i get out of bed. After the diner last night, we came back here and danced all night long in each other's arms under the moonlight, i honestly might say that's better then sex, which we didn't have last night.
I'm not a virgin surprising right? of course not i'm a motherfucking god. I'm kidding, but it's surprising how many gay guys you can find in this town, but they all fuck once then leave, i'm not ready for a relationship especially since i don't have the one thing you need for a relationship to work: love.
His eyes open and he lets out a small smile, his eyes puffy and his face flustered he stretches before letting out a groan. "what time is it?" his voice was deep and rough.
"6ish" i answered but sounded more like a question, it went quiet again as i continued to stare at his face and he continued to stare back, he sat up his back against the headboard.
"Last night was fun we should do it again" My breath hitched as the words left his mouth and my lips formed a smile and small blush spreading across my cheeks.
"Are you asking me out on a date Mr Grant?" I joked and his cheeks tinted red making me feel somewhat impressed.
"Maybe, it's only a date if you want it to be a date" I nodded my head his hand interlocks with mine and my stomach flips.
"I would love to go on a date with you Ethan" His lips tug into a smile and i can't help but reciprocate the action.
"Tonight at the bridge just at the edge of town 8 o'clock sharp" He demands me and i chuckle climbing out of the bed waking over to my shoes, i slip them on my feet and smirk.
"See you there Ethan" I open the door walking out and shutting the door behind me, the motel wasn't far from my home probably a twenty minute walk, the slight morning breeze makes me shiver.
Ethan was a great guy but if he thinks that we could make this work he couldn't be more wrong, i can't love, and honestly i don't want to. I have no idea what he's doing to make my stomach do these weird things but if he thinks he can make me feel he's sorely wrong. No matter how much i've tried in the past i cannot feel, i didn't even cry when my father cried and if that doesn't scream 'that i have no feelings' then i don't know what will.
I opened my door to my house quietly trying not to wake my mother up, but jumped letting out a small huff when i see her sat at the dining table.
"jesus mom have you been to sleep yet?" I ask and her head snaps towards me, but by the small bags under her eyes and the red lining them tells me the answer
"i'm sorry but i was worried when you didn't come home i thought something bad happened to you" she rambled on and i shushed her pulling her into my chest.
"i'm okay mum i was just with a friend last night i'm sorry i should've come home" She shook her head and gave a small smile.
"all that matters is your okay and not harmed in anyway" she reassured me but more herself
"Mum can i ask a question?" Her eyes widen slightly in panic as the mood went serious quickly.
"sure honey what's wrong?" I sat at the table and she sat opposite her hands interlocked together.
"How would you describe the feeling your had for dad?" i can tell the question started her, she flinched slightly her eyes saddened.
"I felt on top of the world with him" was all she said and i knew exactly what she meant. "why'd you ask?"
"The friend i was with last night, he made me feel things, strange things in my stomach, my heart swelled and my stomach flipped at every small action he did. Mum it scares me" her eyes softened and she placed a weary hand on mine.
"Grayson, honey there's nothing to be scared of, if he really is someone who you trust and are willing to let in you have to except that you might change" i gave a small smile as she stood up and brushed her dress down, she walked out of the room and upstairs into her room most likely going to sleep.
Present day
her words still ring through my head everyday, i'll never forget the look of hope wash over her features as she placed her hand on me, the words follow me everywhere all day and everyday. words i'll never forget until my death bed.
if he really is someone who you trust and are willing to let in you have to except that you might change
i didn't know what she meant then but now it's all i know.
