Breakable

II

I was devastated, of course not from the car. It's the memories, they keep crushing me from time to time, or maybe all the time. I know i should go on and all of that shit, but i'm totally destroyed. All i need is to heal. Maybe the problem is with me, cause I can't forget, cause I didn't regret what happened.

My body was shaking and cold, it felt like it's December, but in fact it's July .

I stood up again while i'm trying my best not to lose my balance, i couldn't move from my place, i was so dizzy. It's useless now to stand in front of this house like homeless people. I took another cigarette from my pocket and lit it, I walked away, but i don't know where should i go.

"Maybe the problem is with me, cause I can't forget, cause I didn't regret what happened"

.........

He kissed me...

And i was shocked with a lot of mixed emotions. I was so mad, he had just kissed me, I know that what I feel is weird, i don't know if i'm happy or not. I didn't feel that spark that i saw multiple time in the movies, but it felt good.

He moved away a little bit, his eyes were staring at mine blankly and i stood like a lifeless statue in a museum. I was totally numb.

I exited the house searching for fresh air, but I didn't know that a kiss is better than it.

He was so close that i felt his hot breath hitting my face sending chills down my spine, it brought my senses back to life. I was looking directly at him which was so awkward without saying anything ,so I took two steps backwards and looked away from his hazel eyes, I was so afraid.

I stayed silent with my gaze fixed on the ground not knowing what should I say, until he said, "It's Ryan by the way" He said , my eyes shifted back from the ground to him , his hands were in his pockets casually, I also noticed that the yellow streets lights had invaded his hazel eyes, they were shining like burning stars. I was standing totally mute looking at him and thinking that the name Ryan does not fit him, I think that Noah fits him more.

He was acting like he has just did something so normal to him and that made me so angry.

I " What an appropriate way to introduce yourself" of course I responded sarcastically, I was mad. I know that I was silent for a long period, but I should be ,I was shocked.

He only smiled looking at the ground saying " So, Mia as your friend" I know that he was trying to change the topic Since he noticed that I am nervous.

I put my hand on my lower neck looking at the ground, I don't know what should I say to him, Mia is my best friend but tonight she's acting a little bit weird.

" i'm going for a walk, do you want to come?" I didn't want him to come, but I didn't want to answer his question too. It felt so weird to talk about my best friend how's treating me like shit lately.

"Sure" he smiled and walked along with me.

....
I've been walking for a long time, without a certain destination. I was lost in my own thoughts. The question kept ringing in my brain corners with no answer.
Do I really need a therapist?

Well maybe, everyone faces a lot of traumas, what if mine is more powerful than their's?.

What's the point from facing these  obstacles? I know that God is testing my patience and strength, but I am done, I can't go on and act like a normal person anymore, I'm kind of a human remains now.

I know what's running through your mind right now, that passing through hard time doesn't mean that you need to see a therapist . You are right, but you don't know the full story yet.

Maybe I don't need a therapist, but mostly all I need is some care and safety. I just need to feel that someone out there cares about my conditions, but does this person exist?.
No one for sure wants to be sad and gloomy all the time, and also no one is capable of accepting you with all of your flaws and sadness. See? It's too complicated, but inside me I want to be happy, but I just can't find the reason that would force me to change.

I stopped walking and looked at the dull sky with my occupied mind. It was a peaceful moment, it was just me and the sparkling stars. I kept staring at them until my vision was blurred with tears. Tears begin to fall again and I fell to the ground onto my knees sobbing loudly.

"God, help me please"  I screamed as my eyes were flooding with salty tears.

I couldn't stay here anymore. I looked at my phone, it's 4 AM and I'm so hurt, I'm in pain, I was always in pain.

I stood up again wiping tears from my cheeks. I decided to return back home since I am completely destroyed and tired. 

It wasn't that far, It only  took me five minutes to reach it. And once I entered I heard a familiar voice saying.
"where were you ?"