𝐂𝐡𝐚 𝐂𝐚𝐟𝐞

v ;; journal

I'm losing myself, my old self.

I know I may sound dramatic but that's what I noticed in myself and I'm honestly worried already because I don't want myself to change... I never do.

I love telling other people to not stress their selves, not get affected with other people's words. I love telling them such positive things because I can't be positive myself.

I'm losing my old self. Myself which I treasured and loved so much. I keep asking, where are you?

I remember those times where I'll be so happy to go home from school and eat my favorite ramen... But now when I went home I just went straight into bed and drifted into nowhere.

My mind was blank.

My heart was beating normally.

But my emotions were confusing me.

I barely wanted to stand up from bed to eat. Saying I was full when I barely ate anything as school.

The subjects that I used to love already stresses me more than it should. Math used to be my favorite subject but ever since we changed teachers, I lost hope for it. I'm already having a hard time catching up.

I'm already getting called names such as "teacher's pet". I was only asking questions because I wanted to learn and not fail.

I barely get enough sleep.

I keep on staying up until 2 am, wondering where it all went wrong.

I lost interest in writing.

I lost interest in studying.

I lost interest in dancing.

I lost interest with interacting with people.

And I am sure that I'm near to losing interest with life too.

And I'm scared that maybe that day would happen.

I was always positive.

I was always that happy go lucky girl everyone wanted me to be.

I was that classmate everyone can approach for help.

But why does it seem that everything will be just a memory in the past?

I'm becoming more distant, more silent. I felt so unimportant in my circle of friends. I always felt like I was the unneeded one in the squad. I felt so lonely and isolated.

They didn't seem to give any care... And it hurts so bad and I don't know why.

I want to go back and be myself again.

Please...