I'm a very strong person mentally. That's what sets me apart from everybody else. My emotions scarcely get in the way with the way I think. On the rare occasion they do, I am able to quickly rationalize the best option for myself and the people around me.
I have very few weaknesses. Being so young puts me at a disadvantage from knowing them all. One I know for sure is my family. If my family is in danger or in need of help, I will crumble for them. I preach all the time about how mentally strong I am, but I beg the universe to never test my mental strength with my family. I will not be able to hold the same facade. I can handle the relationships outside of my family, close friends, significant others, etc, but if my family is put in the spotlight in order to test the strength of my mentality, I will fail. I will fail intentionally. I refuse to feel such pain. I love them too much.
I know one day there will be a time where I have to live in a world where all of my family isn't there with me. I am dreading that day along with every single day that follows it.
Writing this now has made me realize the root of the mentality I've grown into. My dad passed and made me completely numb to the world around me. These past 5 years I've felt true pain, real love, and undeniable happiness. At one point I've felt them all at once. I've let my guard down with someone and have gotten completely obliterated from the inside out, but I always knew that I can endure anything, Any type of pain. Because I know nothing could ever hurt me mentally or physically more than the day I came home and I couldn't speak to my father. I watched the life slowly drain out of him day after day. I cannot bear to see that happen to anybody else in my family. My dads death has made me stronger, but any more will break me entirely. I am not ready nor do will I ever will be.
I am no longer suicidal, but something to this magnitude will send me over the edge. I am never the type to say that I can't take something ( in regards to mental pain or suffering ) but I cannot take that. And I won't. So if something does happen and I feel like I can't handle it. I will kill myself without question. And that is my worst fear. Not being suicidal, but being pushed to a point where I feel there's so option. Losing the people I love the most. It terrifies me to the marrow of my bones. I can't take it.
Please don't test them against me. I can't handle it.
