Losing Many [DISCONTINUED]

It Should've Been Me

When Aziraphale awakes, the sky is darker and the moon is high in the sky through the window. He groans, shifting in the hospital bed he was lying on. Looking around for a moment, he feels his heart beat as he remembers what happened. He feels his skin grow cold and clammy as he realizes Crowley isn't there with him. He throws himself up from his laying position, forcing his tired legs over the side of the bed and to stand quickly. He staggers, feeling dizzy for a moment before pushing himself forward and into the hallway. Many of patients pass by him as he searches for a nurse, a doctor, anyone who can tell him where his love it. He finally sees someone who may be one of those people and rushes forward, stumbling slightly at first. 

"Miss, miss!" he calls out, catching up to the nurse quickly. "Please, tell me where Crowley is, h-he was badly injured and i'm quite worried and-"

The nurse cut shim off. "Mr. Fell, please you're supposed to be resting! I'll tell you what happened after you return to your room!" she says sternly, leading him back towards the room he just came from. She leads him to the bed and forces him to sit as she busies herself checking over him.

"Please, miss, tell me where Crowley is! I need to make sure he's okay, i-i care for him deeply, and i can't go on and longer not know-"

The nurse cuts him off again. "Mr. Fell, please calm yourself. Mr. Crowley is okay, he's in a coma at th-"

"A coma?!" Aziraphale exclaims. "W-will he wake up?!" he asks, extremely worried for his love.

The nurse sighs. "If you would let me finish, yes, he will wake up... But it'll be awhile before he does. He was harmed quite badly an-"

"I know he was hurt badly, i was there, i saw! Please just tell me he'll recovery fully!" Aziraphale interrupts again.

The nurse sighs in frustration and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Mr. Fell, please stop interrupting me." she says before sighing again. "He lost a lot of blood, and the trauma from the incident coupled with that is what caused the coma. He lost his arms, as you know, and the doctors are still trying to find out if they can safely reattach them, but i wouldn't get your hopes up. There hasn't been any successful research into the area and the doctors are running off of nothing." 

She pauses for a moment to gauge the man's reaction, noting the crestfallen look on his face. "But its not the end of the world. There are quite a few very well made and almost exactly realistic prosthetic he could use if the doctors cant reattach his arms. He'd have to go through some physical therapy, but otherwise his body would be almost normal. The thing you'll find to be more difficult to heal is his mental pain though..." she says gently. "But we shouldn't worry about the future at the moment, Mr. Fell. Just take it day by day. Now, as for your condition, you're body was quiet exhausted. we want to keep you here another day or two just to make sure everything is normal,  but otherwise you are unharmed and in perfect condition."

"Unharmed..." Aziraphale echos, looking to the ground in dismay.

The nurse notices and her face softens. "Mr. Fell, you also experienced something traumatic. Though you dont have any physical wounds, you have mental ones. And those are often worse than the physical ones. Please seek some help when you leave her, okay?" she says softly.

Aziraphale nods slowly, not really all that keen on actually heeding her words.

The nurse sighs. "How about i take you to Mr. Crowley?" she asks gently. "I'm sure he would appreciate you company even if he isn't awake to verbally express it."

Aziraphale looks up, his eyes having a new light to him. "Would it be possible to find a book for me to read to him?" he asks softly. "Maybe he'll hear me somehow..." he says looking down again.

The nurse smiles. "I think thats possible, Mr. Fell. Just wait a moment and i'll be back with one then we can go see Mr. Crowley." She says as she walks out to leave Aziraphale alone for a moment.

Aziraphale sighs deeply, his lips turned down into a frown which was quiet unusual for him. None of this was supposed to happen. They had averted the apocalypse, he had finally come to terms with his feelings toward crowley, they deserved some peace and quiet for once! They deserved a calm and happy life! why was it that they could never have that?! I-it wasn't fair...

Aziraphale sniffles, hiding his wet eyes behind his hands. How he wished for Crowley to just be alright! It was his fault his love had gotten hurt. If only he hadn't let Gabriel in. ("He would have found a way in anyway" his mind supplied.) If only he had been the one to be hurt, then this wouldn't be happening. The holy sword wouldn't have hurt him permanently, it just would have hurt until his arms either reattached themselves or grew back. Even if they didn't heal themselves, he still wishes he was the one to be hurt. That would be so much better than having his love suffer instead. But instead he sat there completely unharmed, completely fine!

"why?!" he sobbed out, wiping at his tears with the back of his hand. "why?" he whispered, to who knows who. 

The nurse came back in a few moments later and sighs softly. "Mr. fell, are you alright?"

Aziraphale gasped and sat up, wiping his eyes quickly before putting a smile on his face. "Y-yes, i am fine, thank you. Have you found a book?" he asks, switching the subject.

The nurse nods, holding up a book meant for younger kids and teens. "I'm afraid its the only one i could find..." she says softly.

Aziraphale shakes his head and stands up, taking the book gently and looking it over and reading the title aloud. "Ah, it sounds lovely though. Thank you, dear." he says softly.

The nurse smiles before motioning towards the door. "Shall i take you to Mr. Crowley now?" She asks softly, silently asking if he needed a minute more by himself.

Aziraphale smiles appreciatively at the question but shakes his head. "No thank you, dear. I think i would just like to sit and read to him at the moment."

The nurse nods and begins to lead them towards Crowley's room, which was only a couple doors down from Aziraphale's own. She stops them outside the door. "You can go in, if you need anything ill be down at the nurses station." she says softly.

Aziraphale nods and watches her leave before facing the door. he stands there for a few minutes before working up the courage to open the door. He stands frozen in the door way for a minute, just staring at all the things that are connected to Crowley, and then to Crowley himself. His eyes raked over Crowley's pale skin and bloody gauze, almost sobbing right then and there. He has to force the sob down as he walks in and closes the door behind him as he walked over to the chair next to Crowley's bed.

Aziraphale sat softly in the chair before forcing a smile on his face. "Hello, dear. I thought i'd come and read to you a bit..." He says softly, reaching out to push some stray hairs form Crowley's forehead before sitting back again. He sniffles slightly, wiping at his eyes before he sighs gently and opens the book. He clears his throat, before readying himself to read. He began to speak in a soft and soothing voice that shook ever so slightly as he read. "It was a hot summer day in the middle of July when young Thatcher..."