My inner darkness

Condemnatur anima mea

  I've always admired the way the sun rises on the night sky, effulgent. The way everything comes back to life and the way the darkness fades out  when the sunrises  cut through the shades of nowhere's horizon. But despite all of this pulchritude and prolificity, I've always been a moonwalker, outcasted by my own desires and thoughts. I'm a faded soul.
  I'm in the same place I've sat, quietly, million times before with the sunlights warming my cold back. Yet, I never felt their warmth. I never felt enlighted , nor selfullfilled . Since that day, I could never replace the thought of constant guilt and sorrow. And nearly no other feelings. Who would have ever known that emptyness could be so heavy? I keep scratching  out uneven lines with a rusty razor blade on the wall, so that the lack of time wouldn't take over. Counting the days is the only thing that keeps my empty place between my lungs fulfilled with the sounds of these out-scratched lines, and more important : restricts emptyness from coming in.Sometimes I walk through the whole dusted room I'm in, whenever the light of tomorrow breaks in through my broken window.  Even though the light doesn't warm me up, it can hurt my mind. Yes, it hurts me as fear would hurt your soul whenever coming around a place like this. Maybe we would even see each other if you'd ever come around here, but I'm afraid I'll  freak you out. Maybe that's also the reason why darkness always had such an impact on the people like you, who actually dare coming around me.
  But coming back to light; Light stands for freedom and happiness, giving all the living creatures life, making the stars burn into their own cosmic dust. Light embraces the world, but can't embrace silence and morbidity. That's what people are mostly afraid of. People like you. But I'm just a miscreation of the light's power, nothing to worry about. I'm a shadow without a own face, but a mask. Incaging happiness seemed, in the begin, to be an innocent act of life. This mask embraces something else, something that I was never able of founding, nor replacing, anywhere. That's the main reason why I kept hiding in this building, in this room, for more than a century. Creatures out there, outside this building, used to get scared everytime i was coming around. The mask is my everything, my sanity.
Even though I'm used to spending my days inside, I miss being in contact with human beings. And maybe I forgot to tell you one more important thing about me, since you already know about my mask and my sensitivity for sun . I might have mentioned earlier before something about "that day" too. Now, to make sure your confusion doesn't take over your mind ; after I decided to wear my mask, there has been someone who loved me for who I was and never wondered, in the begin, what  was hiding behind and why. She didn't have a name, but her aura made my cold skin feel warm. She made my weakness thrill and rush through my veins, like my heart made my blood do, whenever she was talking. I can  talk for hours about the miracle she was. But you'd have no time for that. So, getting back to why I've decided to wear a mask. One day, after the moon shed its last etern tears on the earth, she came to meet me in the same room I'm in right now, which was weird, because she had never been here before. First thing I felt when I saw her that time, was fear. I knew it was time for her to find out the truth about me. So I'd let her pull my mask out and see nothing, but a  deformed face, without eyes, a mouth, a nose or eyebrows. Just grey, burned like-looking skin.
   Dropping the mask on the ground, she ran away as fast she could, fading away in the darkness with my broken heart. Shedding tears, has never been my thing, because you need eyes to cry. But my soul felt instead like a hurricane of endless, drowned lakes of tears. Replacing her was impossible. You can't replace the one and only light existing in your dumped life like you can't replace something, undying, like the sun. 
   Since then, I've never came in touch with the real world, during the day. Only at the night, while everything is asleep and the darkness takes all over the place like a brume, I go out and haunt the world all by myself, allowing my incaged soul to feel free. That's why darkness has always been my only friend I can trust in. Once you get through the black mantel of nowhere's horizon, you fade away down the moonlighted streets, faster than a second, but feeling like an eternity of endless pain .