Vertigo

Chapter 1 - Running Away

Putting my TruShift on my head, I laid back in my bed and let the full immersion VR take me, but I wasn't going back to Yevelia. The beautiful land of magic and fantastic creatures had been amazing, but I just couldn't face it at the moment. I needed space, time away from the place, and especially the person, that had caused me so much hurt.

Jupiter betrayed me again. He had apologized, for a second time for involving me in things that I felt better left alone. For the first time since high school I found myself putting distance between us. I logged out, refused to call him, and put all my calls on silent. I couldn't face him right then. I needed time to think about all that had happened, time to find my bearings again. To figure out what had been bothering me since we first logged into Yevelia.

"You just have to be the hero," I whispered to myself. And it was true. Jupiter felt an unrequited need to be a hero, to matter, even if it was in the virtual world. He wanted to rescue the damsel, and run into the burning building. It was a trait he had since we met as children. When I had been pushed on the playground he got between me and the bully, making sure I wasn't hurt again. Later when I started having trouble being around people he would run interference for me, helping me deal with the constant press of crowds in modern society.

He always knew who he was, and what he wanted. It was no surprised that he was trying to be a hero inside the virtual world, either. It shouldn't have bothered me. He would always be there for me. Always rescue me.

Then why was I so angry?

It didn't bother me that he wanted to rescue me. I had several friends and relatives that did the same, and they made living with my anxieties easier. I had come to terms with my anxiety and agoraphobia long ago. The treatments I tried in the past didn't seem to work, so I just learned to work around it.

If I was so satisfied with my life then why wasn't I happy? What did I want?

Maybe that was why I left Jupiter standing alone on a beach. Being with the hero reminded me that I had no direction in life, no purpose. Jupiter had always been the hero trying to get out of the projects and into a better place. He wanted to effect the world around him, change it, while I avoided it.

The TruShift offered me a location grid to choose from. The Hub, the center of everything, Yevelia where I had left Jupiter, or a few smaller worlds that I had visited the first time I entered The Hub. I clicked on the central hub area, still unsure where I wanted to go.

The world shimmered into focus and I appeared deep in the heart of The Hub. Right in front of a tower of lights and music. Streams of people made their way into the waiting cacophony. Any other time I would have danced away my sorrows with drinks and loud music. This time something felt wrong.

What did I want?

Jupiter had always been the hero trying to get out. He wanted to effect the world around him, change it. What about me? What did I want?

I felt the tears start to flow and instinctively pressed the back of my hand to my cheek. A couple of blinks and the water works were turned off. I didn't need sympathy inside of a video game, I had enough of that in the real world. Every well meaning sympathetic ear cut a little bit deeper.

I gripped my chest, feeling my heart race and my breathing get shallow as I looked at all the people. That manic display of energy. It had never been a problem inside the virtual world before, why was it suddenly so painful?

What did I want? The thought kept twisting inside me like a knife. What was I doing here? What did I want out of it? What would I get?

Maybe I didn't know what I wanted, but I suddenly didn't want to be anywhere near the dance hall, or around that many people.