Why It's your Birthday
From: Ya Girl/Boy
So, today is your birthday, eh? I see. Since today is your birthday, I would like to commemorate it by writing this thicc essay. Yes, I know it is quite unnecessary but I just love you enough to do it. So please, to clear out any confusions, allow me to describe, in very exquisite and refined detail, on why today is your birthday.
The phrase "Happy Birthday" is too generic and not enough to convey one's day of birth. I would prefer more pleasant phrases such as "Happiest of Birthdays to the most glorious queen" or "Have a wonderful day of birth". Now, I would like to acknowledge your astrological sign. According to Wikipedia, your day and month of birth determines your astrological sign. Apparently, your astrological sign also tries to list your traits and personalities. However, this "system" is flawed. Not everyone is what the astrological sign expects you to be. You are you and always will be. God gave life to you and you're not allowed, by me, to hate yourself for being birthed. Let me give you an analogy for this: God is the squirrel that buries its acorn (aka, You) into the Earth. That sounds like it has a different meaning but I THINK NOT!! God placed your soul into this earth so you can have a life. When I'm done writing this essay, you may think that I am a deranged human who decides to waste time on writing this god-forsaken essay instead of doing math homework. Well, that is true. But, we're not here to talk about me. We're talking about YOU!
Unlike your birthday, all other birthdays are insignificant. You are very valuable to me and to those that care about you. Wait. No. My affection for you is far superior to those that care about you. Indeed, that does sound quite narcissistic but I won't let it hold me back. Birthday means that it is the anniversary of the day in which a person is born. I'm too broke to get you a gift from the Dollar Store. Heck, I'm broke enough to type out this essay. Just. For. You. But that's besides the point. Today is your birthday and we are not here to talk about me. I'd like to consider a close friend's birthday as a holiday. I want to go trick or treating at your house when it is your birthday. I want to whip out the Christmas tree and decorate it with flashy ornaments when it is your birthday. Heck, I want to eat an entire feast when it is your birthday. Birthday rhymes with toupee. Female balding is a thing...so...when I take off my toupee, I would like to present you a gift that comes from that magical toupee. That gift is this essay, of course. I don't care what you do to this. I don't care if you tear it up, puke on it, or burn it on your mother's refrigerator. That doesn't matter. What matters is that you read it, skim it, even, and at least understand the general message of this essay. Okay, let's get back to the point. We're getting way too sentimental here for my--I mean YOUR own good.
Do you know how far I went just to think about writing this essay. No, I'm not talking about writing it. I'm talking about thinking about it. I learned how to sing the Birthday Song in German. I suggested the idea but you rejected it. But you know what? I don't care. I'm writing about your birthday anyways. Today is the first day of you being [insert age number that I forgot]. Yes, I am aware that this essay is giving you a large headache just by seeing how long it is. Take your time because we're about to get into a full blown argument on why your birthday is so significant. I want to shower you with toupee and yell out "OMGOMGOMG IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. AHHHH!!!!" because that's how excited I get when it's your birthday. You know a pet peeve of mine? It's when someone forgets your birthday. Not mine. Not someone else's. Your birthday. That reduces the glory of your birthday and, therefore, ticks me off because someone completely forgot about your birthday. If I were to forget, then this essay would not exist. No. Don't tell me that you hope I forgot. I just really really really really really really really want to write about your birthday. Is that okay? Because I need to shower you with insignificant facts and unnecessariness. Perhaps we should stop and think about birthdays. Some find them useless and just move on with life while others would die just to celebrate someone's or their own birthday. You know another thing that sets me off? It's when people take advantage of your birthday. Now, I know that this sounds quite greedy and selfish but it's your day. Not theirs! If someone were to take advantage of your gifts/presents/birthday money, I would say "HANDS OFF! BACK OFF! AND GET OUT OF HERE!". Indeed, that may sound intense, but it's just a verbal representation of how much I respect/adore/love your birthday.
Aha! I see you've made it this far into this unnecessary essay. Okay, let's move on. The sooner we finish this, the sooner I get to sleep because I'm really tired. Birthday cakes are a necessity whenever it comes to a birthday party. Why cakes? Why can't you have birthday chips or birthday pie or birthday steak? What's wrong about everything else? Let's assume your favorite food is dragon fruit but...OH NO!! YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO CAKE! Why would your family give you a birthday cake when you'd basically die just by going near it? Well...I would swoop right in and hand you a dragon fruit with an obnoxious pink candle stabbed on top. Yes, that would make a perfect replacement for that basic birthday cake. Hmmm ...how would I describe you? Well, I would find you accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young, and zippered-every morning, afternoon, night, and ALL. DAY. LONG!! Yay! Okay, that was quite the mouthful if you ask me. Now, you see, nothing in the entirety of this essay is copied and pasted. Well, one part of it is. But I'll leave it to you to find out where I got it from. 99% of this essay is pure and directly from my brain... and fingers. Your birthday is quite a unique day. You may share it with, what, a million other people. But, I think your birthday is the most glorious out of all of them. Yes, yes, and yes. I'd like to ask you a question. If you read through this entire essay, how would you respond? Would you write another essay explaining why this essay hit you right there in the heart or would you just send me a one-sentence email saying "thanks"? Heck, you can even not say anything and forget about it. Yes, that would be perfectly logical. You can share it with others and see their reaction to this quite exquisite and delectable piece of paper. What? Okay, we're getting off topic.
Birthday. Birthday. Birthday. B I R T H D A Y! Does it bother you that the space exclamation mark and the letter Y is not a space like the others? I'm sorry about that. I'll try and fix it later. Anyways, your birthday is like a drop of water being put into a large and vast ocean. By that, I mean that your birthday is one of the 7 billion birthdays that exist in accordance to the 365 days of the Gregorian calendar. I know this essay will give you anxiety, fear, or even trauma. But I just want you to know that the reason why the word "birthday" was invented was to describe your specific date of birth. All that matters is you. And only you! Everyone else? Nah. Too inferior to your superiority. You might ask yourself, why did this broken human send you this unnecessary piece of paper? Well, that's for you to find out by yourself. I can't answer it because...I don't really know why I did it in the first place. Okay, I have another thing to discuss. Why isn't your birthday a holiday? I mean, it is important enough to be a holiday. I don't care about Halloween or St. Patrick's Day. I just only care about your birthday! It occurs once every year, as I have heard, and only a small group of people celebrate it. I expect at least 1 billion people to celebrate your birthday. I want a festival for your birthday. A feast for your birthday. EVEN A CONVENIENCE STORE, SHOE, AND BASKETBALL TEAM named after you!! You are that important to me and I don't care if you hate or despise me. What matters is that you are important and far superior to everyone else, including me. Here's another analogy: You are Jesus and I am everyone on Earth. Where's Satan, you might ask? Well, he's nonexistent at the moment. There's no third party in this system and I just think that you deserve something more than just a simple birthday party. I worship you and might even build a shrine for you. If I'm not broke, then I will make a water bottle company named after you. Why water bottles, you ask? Well, I'm really thirsty so let's just move on with this horrible and terrifying essay.
Hooray! You made it to the end of this unforgivable and unnecessary essay! I hope you have a wonderful, glorious, and grand birthday. Please invite me. I would very much appreciate that. I want to give you a big fat hug and shower you with multiple versions of this essay. If you could translate it to at least 77 different languages, fonts, sizes, or colors other than English, Alegreya, 11, and black, then I would really, very much appreciate that. Anyways, I hope you recover from the wounds that this essay gave you and pray to God that I won't write another one on a different topic. Believe me, my brain is broken just by looking at these paragraphs...and yours is probably the same as well. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna do my math homework now.
