Just Me, You, And This Box of Matches

Chapter 2: You Only Want Me For My Zayn

"I only am interested in you as a friend and I begged Niall to set this up just so I could get closer to your roommate."

Louis stares, and then slowly lowers himself into a chair. He hasn't even opened his mouth yet and this is already the worst blind date he's ever been on (and that's saying something.)

"I take it you're Liam?" he says, reaching out for the glass of icy water in front of him and taking a few steadying gulps. (He kind of wishes it was something stronger.)

The man in front of him nods. He has thick eyebrows that seem to be permanently slanted in a kind of perpetual expression of concern, and his hair is shaved close to his square-shaped skull. He's reasonably attractive, his clingy button-down reveals the outline of his abs, and he's friend zoned Louis without ever speaking to him. "Liam Payne."

"So," continues Louis after an excruciatingly awkward pause in which Liam studiously pores over the menu (which he doesn't seem to realize is open to the kid's section.) "You...like Zayn."

Liam's face lights up, and he- Louis swears to God- pulls out a goddamned ballpoint pen from his inside jacket pocket and proceeds to jot down something on the legal pad Louis hadn't noticed was spread open next to the menu. "Zayn."

Louis stares at him. "Are you- are you taking notes on him?"

Liam stares up at him, all sincerity and eyebrows. "I want to get this stuff right."

This is too good. This is too good. Louis just barely restrains himself from cackling and leans over the table a little to glance at Liam's notepad. "That's very nice and all, Liam, but it's a y, not an i."

Liam beams like Louis has offered him a wonderful gift and corrects the mistake with a flourish.

Their waitress stops by the table, flips her blonde hair over her shoulder, and smiles down at them. "Y'all ready to order?"

"Sure," says Louis, and passes her back the menu without looking at it. "I'll take a bottle of wine and a slice of cake. I don't care what cake. Just give me cake."

She blinks once, and then slowly takes the menu. "Sure. And you'll have?"

"I'll take the Rootin' Tootin' Spaghetti Bowl, please," says Liam with a perfectly straight face.

The waitress gives him an indulgent smile. "Alright, then. It'll be comin' right up, gentlemen."

"It says 12 and under," says Louis in disbelief, once the waitress is out of earshot.

Liam shrugs. "I like the Kids Menu. It has reasonable portions."

It's probably a good thing that Liam is only here for Zayn, because Louis thinks that if this were an actual date he probably would have either faked an emergency call and disappeared or given Liam an aggressive under-the-table handjob just to shut him up. Louis considers telling him as much, but he doubts it would faze him.

"How did you even know Zayn, anyway?"

"I don't," says Liam, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "That's what this is for."

"How did you...find out about him, then?"

Liam shrugs. "The hot guy in all of Niall's Facebook photos."

Fair enough. "And why, may I ask, didn't you get Niall to set you up on a blind date with Zayn instead of me?"

Liam looks utterly horrified. "I couldn't do that! What if I totally messed it up? I couldn't just go in without knowing anything!"