melting together again (tordedd)

12

I don't know why I find myself at the stargazer bridge. I'm not in a relationship with anyone and I don't believe I ever will. Who wants to be together with someone as broken as me? Yeah, my thoughts drag me down again. The past few days they've been quite persistent despite me telling others about my self-hatred. Most often Edd since I live with him now. But I've noticed his odd behavior towards me.

He avoided talking with me. When I talk with him about my dark thoughts he often intervened, but he didn't seem like he; how do I put it? He seemed so off as if he doesn't care about me which I know isn't true. I couldn't help but think it's my fault. And his harsh words acted like a knife. His avoidance hurts me more than any knife could.

So, now I am at the bridge, a few people, mostly couples pass me by. It is painful to see them so happy with each other when you yourself have no one. I have people caring about me but not in that way.

I look up at the sky to see clouds darkening the sky. I let out a sigh and walk over to the guard rails. Knowing that they are unstable I avoid touching them. Instead I sit down at the cold asphalt and watch the water rushing below me.

The distance between the bridge and the river is about 15 feet. How long would it take for me to end my life when I jump? I can't swim and even if I could, the water is cold and has strong tides, dragging you down the stream. It would be perfect for me to end my sad life.

I begin imagining how people would react when they find out that I have drowned. Most of them would not bat an eye but my friends and family? They'd be shocked at first but soon enough they would continue their lives without thinking about me for more than a second.

I know my thoughts spiraled downwards even though they haven't been in a rather long time. And yeah, for me, two weeks are a long time. But now, they seem to come back

What are you waiting for? End it. End your sad, pitiful life.

The more I try to not think about it, the more thoughts of the same kind flood my mind.

But what about my friends?

Don't worry about them. They will miss you at first but then forget you even existed.

But I can't leave them alone. I promised to let them help me. I can't just break that promise.

Suddenly you feel guilty for breaking vows? You hurt them multiple times before. You left them twice, why not make it a third time? Come on. Do everyone a favor and jump.

My whole body shakes and trembles like crazy as I stand up. I take out my phone as to write a last message for the others. It is easier said than done. Nonetheless I succeeded in sending a message to Matt. I know him long enough that he'll tell Edd and Tom.

I reach for the guard rails, pushing them ever so slightly. They immediately give in. Afraid of my actions I make a step back, gripping my right arm tightly.

I can't do it. I just can't.

Why? Just jump. You won't feel a thing.

I clench my eyes shut while gripping the hems of my hoodie sleeves. I bite my tongue until I feel blood filling my mouth. I think about my friends and family. About how sad Edd would be if I left him. About the others and how they probably wouldn't forgive me if I took the easy way out.

I won't.

Are you a masochist? Do you like the emotional pain you feel?

I don't care what you think I am. I won't jump. I won't give up now. I'll push through this for my friends. I can't disappoint them again. I'll live through the pain. You know why? It tells me I'm alive.

But it hurts you, doesn't it? Also why would you live through it for others? You were always the selfish one and now you pretend that you aren't? That's idiotic! You already sent your last words to one of your friends so don't chicken out and just do it!

Like I said before: I don't give a fuck about what you think I am. So, shut up and leave me alone.

At that my inner voice stops answering. A smile creeps on my lips. I sigh and look at the sky again. A flock of birds fly over my head. Finally I succeeded in talking back to my depressed inner voice.

I feel something trickling down my chin. It has to be blood. Quickly I rubbed it away with my hoodie sleeves.

I take out my phone again and see that Matt has written me back. "Be careful. The rails are unstable." I quietly laugh at that. Then I proceed to contact Edd. Even though we have gotten into a small argument I feel the need to tell him that I am alright.

Before I am able to call him however I hear someone yelling out my name. Immediately I know who it is. I'd recognize this voice everywhere, whether it is a scream or a whisper. I turn around to see Edd running towards me. I want to do the same but my clumsiness kicks in right then and there and I stumble. For a moment I forget that the rails are unstable. And then it happens.

The rails give in almost instantly and the weight of them dragged me down with them. I land in the frigid waters of the river. The last thing I know is Edd calling out my name once more before everything goes dark.