The Fear of a Mad Girl

Tick tock. Tick tock. That's how it goes. Time will never stop. Not even for those who need it. Not even for those who wait. There will always be something such as time. Here. Even in where they are. They won't leave me alone. All they do is watch and wait. Watch and wait. For me. Why? They want me. They need me. Time never stops. Only when I want it to. Everything goes my way. I always win. 

It would be nice to explain what I mean. But I can't. Tick tock goes the clock. 

I'm no where magical. I'm only at home with my family. Right now,  I'm upstairs in my room. I wonder what I've done wrong. They won't leave me alone. Maybe if I hurt myself they will show themselves? Maybe if I screamed and let my grasps on this "reality" I'm living in, they'll appear. Or maybe I will simply wake up. Wake up to them. They are the very definition of fear. Yet I don't know what they look like. I wonder if there's anyone else out there like me... 

I hear them sometimes. They whisper terrifying things. They laugh at me. I cry. My mother asks me why, then I forget. I can't explain. I simply make something up. I feel ill or my stomach hurts. If I tell them they will laugh too. I tried once. I tried telling them that someone is watching me. They laughed. I tried telling them to to take me to a doctor. Maybe they can end it. Convince my mother that there is something always there. No one ever listens. 

They are here now. Or rather, it is here now. Lurking near my door. Waiting for me to do something. What should I do? I know it's there. I can't see it but it is  there. Smiling at me. 

I can't say that I'm scared all of the time. Sometimes I give in to their madness and smile with them. Laugh hysterically with them. My eyes widening and I feel like screaming. It's not so bad when you give into them. Sometimes I do what they tell me. I can't hear them but I will obey. I gently pick up a piece of glass. Grinning in doing so. I rip a small part into my shoulder, confirming that it is deep enough to cause a wound, or to bleed a little. When I'm satisfied I drag the sharp glass down my arm and laugh. Bleeding slightly. I do the same again, but much smaller this time. The smaller cut bleeds more. I laugh again. Grinning at that abomination that's standing right before me. 

"You can go now." I say.

I don't know if it leaves. I think it does. Satisfied with the pain I brought upon myself. When the cut stings my mind is taken back to "reality". I realize what I have done and I feel guilty. At least no one else was hurt. Still the glass looks so...unused. Maybe if I cut myself in the eye? The stomach?  Stab myself near the heart? They all sound so amazing and fun. Dangerous and brilliant. But then, would they win? I decide against it. Although I am consumed, pain is bringing me back. Instead I paint something. Painting, singing and dreaming distracts me so well. Then I forget. Just for a while.  Maybe they will leave me? Of course not. What a silly idea. I sit up on my bed. What if I rip the wallpapers, throw the bed and television across the room. I could punch the mirror, then there would be blood. Lots of blood. I smile maniacally at the idea. And to finish everything off I could jump out of the window! How fun!

Even so. I don't want to die. I won't die. I can't die. Not until they want me to. I wonder if I am important to them, maybe they're doing all this for something of a worth, but I doubt it, I am worthless. I am only a piece of entertainment to them. 

Rarely, very rarely they run away from me. I try to follow them but then...I forget or I get too scared or I can't find them. I went into the graveyard at once, it was dark and I couldn't see where I was going. but I sensed them there. They wanted me there this time. But I got scared and ran. I didn't go home. I enjoy walking in the freezing moonlight. How relaxing it is. When I came back, they weren't there. For the first time in so long. They hadn't followed me. I fell asleep soon enough, only to see it standing in front of my bed, staring at me. 

"Leave me alone." I mumble. It doesn't. And I don't sleep. Tick tock. School is starting soon. I don't want to go. But when I'm there they won't follow me. Yet they see me. The sky is watching me. It's controlling me. Everything here is a lie. My life is a lie. My friends and family are a lie, You are a lie. The only reason you can read this is because I say so. You are here because of me. You are not real. Remember that.

Maybe death will spare all of you from living something that is a lie. I am sorry. I'm so sorry for everything.

Tick tock. Your time is up.