Chapter 6: Just Eating Grapes

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Holding down the record button, I talk to the camera, "I just got home, like 20 minutes ago, it didn't hit me until now.  I'm here just eating grapes and I'm starting to feel light-headed."  Sent to my girl friends' group chat, my older brother, Kobi, who is in Hawaii, and Ian. 

Eve and Ren send back, "Same, Kai.  I feel you."  My brother goes off about how vape pens with weed are the reasons why people are hating on vape pens.  I'm here for a good time, not a long time.  As per usual, the younger sibling taking her older brother's motto.  

Ian replies twelve minutes after I send the snap, "You drunk?"  Nope, wrong.  I didn't drink that much--at least not enough to get drunk.  I wasn't even tipsy.  It was from the hit I took from Eve's pen, but Ian doesn't need to know that.  He still doesn't get it.  The arrow turns white, "Tipsy?"  Nope.  I'm not going to spell everything out for him, if he doesn't get it, it's ok.  It's better if he doesn't know... As long as he still sends me snaps, no matter the conversation topic, I'm happy.

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2017

Overwhelmed with everything in my life.  I can't balance all of this at the same time.  I just can't.  

Why doesn't Ian understand my pain?  Why doesn't he understand my hurt?

I am failing my class.  AP Computer Science is a regret.  I shouldn't have listen to Taylor, I shouldn't have taking this class.  Everyday, I just drown in the binary nonsense that my teacher lectures into my ear.  I remember something she said today, "There's a remote inside a small cup.  That small cup is in a box.  That box is lined up with a bunch of other boxes with their own cups and remotes.  This is how code works.  Got it?" WHAT!?  Coding is so abstract to me, there's nothing I can relate to, nothing I can wrap my head around...

Have you ever been stuck in a class where you are hearing things but nothing is being comprehended?  Take that same feeling and sit with it for three months.  That's how I feel every time I walk into my CompSci class.  Why do I even go?  Useless.  

My dad is in the hospital with stage four lymphoma.  My mom doesn't have anyone to lean on; she leans on me.  I can't cry because it shows weakness.  I need to stay strong for her.  I go to the hospital 45 minutes away everyday so that we can all be there as a family: Mom, Dad, Kobi, and me.  If my mom is my support, and my support needs me, then who do I turn to?

Why can't Ian understand what I'm going through.

Under all the stress and pressure, I snap.

"Ian, don't talk to me anymore.  I can't deal with everything on my plate right now and you aren't helping.  I need to focus on my studies.  I need to focus on my family."

"But what about me?"

But what about me? I am suffering, yet Ian can't let me have the time and space to figure out everything I'm going through.  Everything that is constantly on my mind. Will I fail my class? Will my dad die tomorrow? Yet all Ian cares about is himself and us still being best friends. 

Why can't he understand my stress?

"...Ok.  Bye Kai." 

I open the snap and leave him on read.

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I send Ian back one last snap, "Something like that." Delivered. 


|Author's Note|

That star won't click itself!  Comment what you think!  Much appreciated!

Nikwong307

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