Glimpse

Chapter 9: Courtney

Author's note:

Surprise! I'm up here this time. Why you might ask? Well, this chapter needs a trigger warning. There is a singular instance of self-harm mentioned in the latter half, more specifically the last two paragraphs. It is far outside the context of depression and suicide, but I thought a warning was still in order. I apologize.

While I am here, I might as well ask how you all are liking this bi-weekly, shorter chapter updates? Since this is the chapter that prompted me to split chapters in the first place, I figure it's the best chapter to stop at if you don't like it or set it in stone if you do. Please let me know, so I know how to edit the next chapter!

Thank you so so much for reading, commenting, and voting. It really means the world to me, and keeps me going. I can't thank you enough for reading this like we're nearing 2k reads, and I am just blown away. I really am. When I told my mom, I think she almost cried. It's a lot, and I am just stunned. Stunned stunned stunned. I love you guys! Thank you!

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"I can't believe her," Courtney mumbled as she read and reread Shayne's text. Olivia had departed not too long ago, saying goodbye with a kiss on the cheek before scampering away to get ready for her date with Sam. Courtney almost wished she had stayed, afraid to be alone with her rampaging thoughts. Afraid of backing out their plans without any supervision to stop her. Even now, her thumbs hovered over her phone's keyboard, her mind sprinting through an itinerary of excuses. Her favorites revolved around blaming Olivia, keeping herself honest while preserving a facade of innocence. It wouldn't take the sting away, but it would lessen the blow. You've hurt him enough, she scolded herself though her thumbs still scurried across the screen. Before her fingers could conclude their dance, her phone buzzed.

Shayne: If you need anything, I'm here for you. <3

Courtney zoned in on the heart emoji, the crisp red symbol jumping from the screen. His finger slipped or his phone's predictive text misfired. Something to explain the heart away before it snaked behind her eyes and found purchase in 'what if's. Shayne chose his words with a careful precision, his record of accidental texts the lowest of the squad, so for him to use a heart emoji... A weighted ball nested in the juncture between her collar bones, smothering each breath in and poisoning each breath out. The couch expanded beneath her, and her body shrank to compensate, her eyes reverting to her unsent message waiting to destroy him. The urge to hit send pricked the tips of her fingers, a token of her selfish cruelty.

"I can't do this." Courtney clamped her hand over her mouth, tears latching on to her eyelashes. With trembling hands, she erased her rejection, each deleted letter adding to the weight strangling her throat. It's for the best, a truth masquerading as a lie. The sooner she confronted him, the sooner the world stabilized, and they returned to normal. Wishful thinking sugarcoated her denial. Normal had abandoned the realm of possibilities long ago, and that heart emoji proved it. Its implication, imagined or otherwise, proved it. I don't deserve it.

A stifled sob echoed off the walls, the world shattering. It screamed at her. The once inaudible traffic roared in her ears. The quiet hum of her A/C shrieked. The dull light of her lamp cut her eyes. The soft fabric of her pants burned her fingertips. Every sense on edge, drowning in overload. A desperate cry for silence sliced through her lips and down her body, manipulating her legs until she stood. Quaking with shallow breaths. Her heart dancing in her throat. The walls pulsated around her, paint seeping to the floor. Courtney willed her legs to move, two anchors locking her in place. She dragged them to the kitchen, desperate to silence her fraying nerves.

Courtney fumbled with a bottle of wine, the bottom scraping against her lower cabinet as she pulled it out. A housewarming gift from her parents she had been saving for a special occasion. Now. With the panic whipping through her brain and the world attacking from all sides, it served another purpose.