Years of Dying

Chapter Nine

"Hey Peggy." I say tentatively. She looks up from her mess of tissues and blankets. Peggy hasn't left the community center since the bombing. Even though it was partially destroyed, and the wind hollows through the walls that open on the forest landscape, she didn't want to leave. Her ares are red, puffy and her nose is wet. Like her eyes. Eliza, must be looking similarly, but her bunk, over Peggy's bed is currently empty. Last I heard, she was crying, deep in the forest. Even though they're sisters, they have different ways of dealing with grief.

"Oh. Hey Alex." she sounds like her nose is blocked. With it probably is. But that doesn't stop her from giving me a forced smile. I sit down on her bed, not having to ask her for permission. We both know that I'm not taking no for an answer in this situation.
"So, a funny thing happened the other day," I say, smiling a bit myself. Peggy, who's head isn't turned in my direction, glances at me from the corner of her eye. "I met this girl. Maria Reynolds, I think her name was."
"So?" Peggy asks. And I sallow. This is it. This is my chance at making her feel better. I've largely been ignoring her and what happened to Angelica because I've been to fixated on losing someone myself. But yesterday, I realized that wasn't right. Peggy Schuyler is my friend, the first person who was nice to me when I joined the rebels. She made me feel excepted, happy. It's time for me to return the favor.
"Pretty sure she's your doppelgänger." I get out. We both stare at each other for a moment until Peggy giggles. Slightly.
"Oh Alex." she smirks.
"What?" I ask definitely.
"Pretty sure? Listen, if someone else had this awesome face, you wouldn't forget them in a hurry." she informs me, and I roll my eyes.
"Okay, okay. I'm one hundred percent sure that I met someone, who, Peggy Schuyler, looks exactly like you," I correct myself. "Better?"
"Better," she agrees. "So describe this Maria for me."
"She wears her hair down, and has fuller lips. Also she has a habit of standing to close to people. And she's also a tiny bit better looking than you." I tell her.
"Oh honey," Peggy clicks her tongue sympathetically. "If this girl really is my doppelgänger, her looks have already reached maximum capacity. As have mine." she strikes a ridiculous pose and we both laugh. There's the Peggy I know. Always laughing, always making everyone around her smile as brightly as the sun. Our laughter dies down and we both sit in silence for a moment. "So... Reynolds. Pretty sure I've heard that name somewhere before."
"Yeah. James Reynolds. I think they're related." I answer her query.
"So... she single?" I laugh again.
"Schuyler, what are you thinking? You want to ask her out?" I chuckle.
"I don't know... maybe? I mean, we've already established that she's good looking. I just want to try talking to her. What do you think?" Peggy mumbles, embarrassedly.
"Honestly?"
"Honestly."
"Honestly, I think you two would make a good couple." I answer, and Peggy smiles like a goofball.
"So speaking of couples," Peggy suddenly says, and I feel myself going hot. She's going to ask me about John, just like Lafayette did. "Are you ever going to get back together with Eliza?" Okay. Wow. I was not expecting that.
"Pegs, you know how I feel about her." I mutter, twiddling my thumbs.
"I know, I know, but you two were so cute together! And I never saw a time where Eliza was happier. She could really use that right now." Peggy tells me.
"Pegs-" I start to say, but she cuts me off.
"Listen, Alex, Eliza is my sister. I'm always going to be looking out for her, and deciding what's right. And now, in this specific situation, what's right is you talking to her." Peggy says.
"Peggy-"
"I'm not saying you have to date her, just... be her friend again Alex. Everything about you has changed since you were sent to the mines."
"I have not changed." I say, offended.
"Oh really. Alright then, I guess I'll just ignore the fact that you were drooling over that Laurens boy the whole time he was here." Peggy says.
"That's none of your business." I mumble. I stand up.
"Aw Alex, where are you going? I didn't mean to scare you off." Peggy laughs, but I walk away.
"Good luck with Maria." I call back to her, and she's the one blushing when I leave.

     Sometimes, when things are hard, I like to imagine a scene, where everything fits into place. Where everything goes the way it should. A scene, where I'm with Hercules, and neither of us are mad at each other. And Lafayette is there with us, smiling and happy, and the three of us are together. Except, there isn't three of us. Alex would be there too. And in my perfect world, we'd be arm in arm, and he'd be mine, and I'd be his. And we'd be able to talk and laugh all day, with nothing to worry about. We wouldn't worry about the mines. About the rebels. About the Captain.
     But whenever I imagine my perfect world, there comes a moment when I have to wake up, from like a dream. And I'm left feeling emptier and more alone than before, because all of the components that make my world, would never work together.
     Herc is angry with me, because I am a soldier for the Captain. Laf isn't happy, because we're not there with him. And I can never be arm in arm with Alex, because he would never want someone like me. And we wouldn't be able to evade the worries, because they follow us. Lurking in the deepest corners of our minds, and creating an endless pool of doubt. Or is that just how I feel?

     This hurts. It hurts because I can't talk to Lafayette right now, and I just brushed John off like he was nothing. It was like I couldn't control my actions, all those years of sharing our dislike for the British guards, and now he suddenly decided to become one? But... maybe he didn't have a choice. Maybe he had a reason for choosing the Captain over me. I can't even begin to think about what inclined him to make that decision.
     I sit up on my sleeping ledge, an idea striking me. All those concoctions I was forced to drink couldn't have been for nothing. There must be a reason why the Captain was testing his vile potions on animals and me. Maybe he... maybe he was planning on using them. Not just on me, but on multiple people, an army even. Maybe he's trying to create a brainwashed army.