Road to Jannah

Chapter Thirteen • Like I'm Gonna Lose You

I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets, let's take our time to say what we want, here's what we got before it's all gone, 'cause no, we're not promised tomorrow.

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you, I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye, wherever we're standing, I won't take you for granted, 'cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time.

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~ A H M A D ~

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This Friday morning, I woke up with an unusual sadness, it was more intense and different from the pensiveness I've been waking up with ever since my days have been indefinitely devoid of Jannah's presence. Today, there just was this indescribable cloud of gloom hanging in the air and I can't stop myself from feeling uneasy with worry and that worry was mostly for Jannah.

To say I miss her is an understatement, I feel like I need her more than I need my next breath, I feel a strange sense of fear, like she's slipping out of my grasp and there's nothing I can do.

I sigh as I take my next spoon full of cereal which I'm only eating because Mama was sitting on the opposite side of the table and threatening to force feed me herself if I don't eat.

"I'm full." I push away the bowl only for it to be pushed towards me again.

"If you don't eat everything in that bowl Ahmadina, I promise you, I'll feed you like the baby you are."

"There's only a twenty-six year old grown man here Mama, no baby in sight." I pick up the spoon and continued reluctantly taking mouthfuls.

"Twenty-five, Ahmadina, you're still twenty-five and there's still more than a week more to go before that changes."

"A week doesn't count, I'm already twenty-six." I shrug and I'm only indulging this convo to distract her so she won't notice that now, I'm only stirring the contents and not actually eating the cereal.

"Okay then that reminds me, we've got a lot of work to do." Mama says excitedly.

"What work?" I pray and hope it wasn't what I thought it was.

"Your birthday party! We have so much to do and Harrison isn't even around, I wonder if we can do—"

"Mama..." I groaned after cutting her off, "I thought we already agreed that that wasn't happening."

"No we didn't, why would I even agree to that? This house has been too quiet and sad for too long, we finally have a reason to celebrate so why shouldn't I make the most of it?"

"Because I don't want a party Mama, I don't feel like it and I don't see what there is to even celebrate."

"You don't see what there is to celebrate?" she gasps and I instantly regret my words. "Life gives you more reasons to cry than it gives you to smile, you know that more than anyone else Ahmadi. You know that we've been through a lot and apart from eid, your birthday's the only other cause of celebration I look forward to. You know that three months ago, you almost completely lost the chance to be able to witness your birthday but Ahmadi, here you are, alive and breathing. Eventhough you don't think that a blessing, eventhough you think 'cause that accident took away your sight you have no reason to be thankful for surviving it Ahmadi, I see every reason to be grateful and happy so don't you dare open your mouth and say you don't have a reason to celebrate ever again." Mama's tone was in its stern, no nonsense mode.