I Owe You

A/N: Oneshot. Previously posted on fuckyeahjoshandmatt.tumblr.com. Triggers, watch out!

He sat cross legged on the bathroom floor and lay them out carefully in a row in front of his knees. There were twenty two. That was enough to kill him, right? That’s what he read online. Twenty two. He bit his lip and poured eight more out of the bottle and added them to the line. Little white pills. Tiny circles. He exhaled, and recounted the pills. Thirty. He could do this. He took a deep breath.

“Fuck it.” He muttered, and with shaking hands he carefully picked up the first pill, rolled it around between his index finger and thumb, and swallowed it in one fluid moment. He paused for a second, checking whether he still wanted to do this, and then he picked up the next. Then the third, fourth, fifth, right up to the tenth.

He heard a door slam. Shit, someone was here. He shuffled over to twist the lock, slamming his body on the door, but he was too late. A foot stuck between the door, preventing it from shutting.

“Josh? What are you doing in there?” Matt’s voice was muffled. Josh went limp for a second. This was the last person he wanted to see right now.

“No!” He almost shouted. “Don’t you dare come in.” He gave up shouting when his breathing quickened, trying instead to push his foot back out of the room, but it wouldn’t budge. Matt placed his hands on the wall and edged their head around the door. He peered in, breathless and wide eyed.

“Matt, no. Please.” Josh was begging now, tears falling down his face shamelessly. He didn’t want Matt to be here. All he wanted to do was swallow the other twenty pills and succumb to a deep sleep. Josh went to dive for the other pills, allowing Matt to enter the room but also grabbing another few pills in the process. Matt scanned the room carefully.

“What the fuck is going on in here?” Matt dropped to his knees beside Josh, and pulled him upright. Josh was howling, he didn’t care how ridiculous it made him look. Matt should not be here. Josh should have finished the row of pills by now. He should be on his way to being dead.  Matt pried open Josh’s shaking hands, took the pills and shoved them in his pockets. Josh gulped and looked over to the scattered line of the tiny sleeping pills. Could he dive for them again? Matt held on to Josh’s shoulders, answering Josh’s internal question. He shook him slightly to make him look at Matt.

“I’m sorry.” Josh mumbled, unable to look Matt in the eye. Matt took the other man’s chin and forced Josh to look at him.

“Have you taken any?” Matt demanded. Josh nodded, tears streaming down his face. He held up his fingers to show how many he’d had.

“Only ten so far…” He said between sobs.

“Ten?” Matt gasped, and stood up. “That’s still enough to fucking knock you out if they’re sleeping pills.” He rummaged around in the medicine cupboard, despite Josh’s loud protesting and wailing. Finally he found the bottle he was looking for. Some kind of herbal medicine that Matt had for headaches but Josh had reacted badly to it once, causing him to throw up. It was grotesque, but it was the only thing that Matt could think of at that second.

“You’ve gotta have some of this. Now, Josh.” Matt handed the bottle to Josh and began scooping up the pills on the floor and pouring them back into their little bottle.

“No, Matt, please.” Josh placed a shaking hand on Matt’s wrist, but Matt just shook it off.

“Joshua, I swear to god if you don’t fucking take some of that medicine then I’m driving you to the hospital.” Josh grimaced, and under his breath he grumbled something incoherent. Before long Josh had unwillingly rid his body of any trace of the pills. Matt hadn’t left him alone the whole time. He swallowed some water from the tap and spat it back out in the sink. Matt just sat on the side of the bathtub with his head in his hands.

“Matt, I’m sorry.” He began shakily, sitting beside Matt.

“How could you?” Matt looked up, his eyes glazed over.

“I just wanted out. I can’t deal with this. Nobody cares.” Josh paused. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Well you fucking did. How could you even think I wouldn’t care about this?”

“I don’t know.”

“Josh, you’re my best friend. Of course I care about you. You don’t know how worried I was, I couldn’t find you, and you weren’t picking up your phone…”

“I didn’t mean for you to worry.”

Matt rolled his eyes. “Of course I was going to worry, Josh.”

Josh leaned against Matt and closed his eyes. Matt reached and wrapped his arm around the boy, stroking his dyed hair soothingly in an attempt to calm him down. Josh was shaking.

“It would just be better for everyone if I were dead. I don’t deserve to be here.”

“No it wouldn’t. What would happen to Marianas? The fans? Your family? What about me and the others?”

“There’s plenty of singers around.”

“None like you though. You’re the best there is.” Matt shifted his position so he was even closer to Josh.

“I’m a shit singer.”

“Josh, you’re not. If you were then Ian would have told you. You know what he’s like.”

“I wish you hadn’t walked in.” Josh mumbled after a long pause.

“I’m happy I did. You could have been dead by now.” Matt looked at Josh. “Do you feel dizzy or anything? Tired? Did you try to hurt yourself in other ways?”

“There’s nothing in my system, you know that. I haven’t tried to hurt myself; I figured pills would be easier.” He smiled weakly. “I’m exhausted. I haven’t slept in days.”

“And you thought the most rational solution for that was to kill yourself?”

“No, I’d been planning that for months. But you fucked it up.” His tone was bitter and he was scowling but Matt huddled closer to him. Josh didn’t protest.

“Don’t kill yourself, Josh.” Matt whispered in his ear. “I’d be lost without you.”

Before Josh could reply, they heard a knock on the door. Josh immediately began to shake again.

“Shh, Josh. We don’t have to answer it right now. We can stay right here for as long as you need.” Josh smiled at his guitarist. “Here.”

Matt threw his hoodie over Josh’s shoulders as Josh moved to rest his head on Matt’s knee.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you to the hospital? Just in case?”

“No, Matt. You know I hate that place.”

“I’m just worried. That’s all.”

Josh rolled his eyes. “I’ll be fine. I’ll tell you if something’s up.”

“How’re you feeling right now?”

“Like I just tried to kill myself.” Josh snorted, and Matt rolled his eyes. Trust Josh to still be sarcastic at a time like this.

“Josh…”

“I know.” He paused. “I feel like shit. But I’m glad you’re here. You’re always here for me, Matt. Thank you. I owe you.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Josh. I just need to know you’ll be okay.” Josh smiled up at Matt.

“I’m okay as long as you’re with me.”