Falling Deeper

Being Swallowed By The Dark

No one knows when it happens.

Sitting with friends, family, the love of your life, laughing, enjoying the moment, and then it comes and swallows you whole.

It starts as a small feeling you will try to ignore. Push it away because there is no logical reason for it to be here. You rap your arms around them, a family member or your love. For a second it passes and you are proud that you did not let it get the better of you.

A few minutes later it returns.

Coming back with more force than before. You excuse yourself. Walk away. Separate. You just need to breathe, take a break, you head to the bathroom, smiling and laughing as you make your way there. Finally, you reached it. Then you lock the door behind yourself, turn the sink on, splash some water on your face, and shake your head trying to get rid of the feeling. It works, you smile at yourself in the mirror and head back out.

Half an hour later it returns again and this time you know there's no getting rid of it.

It hurts and you have no idea why. You lose sight of previous feelings that were once in its place. Less and less words escape from your mouth. "Continue to smile, it's a nice night, don't ruin it" you tell yourself until someone asks what's wrong.

"Nothing."

The word comes easy and you say it with a sly smile. Breathing becomes harder, like your drowning. You can see them through the dark. Your hand reaches out as your lungs scream for air, a muffled screamed escaping your lungs, but the dark carries you away from them. It's starting to burn in your chest, starting to ache until you finally give into it.

Standing up, you excuse yourself from the table. Heading to your room claiming that you are tired and ready for bed. Pulling on your favorite hoodie then tugging the hood over your head, placing yourself in bed and staring at the ceiling or a wall.

This dark is too comforting. Bending you to its will with warmth, comfort, and understanding masking the pain, loss, and truth.

Music doesn't sound as nice anymore.
Sleep seems like the better option compared to anything else.
A lightless room.
The only sound being the occasional noise the AC makes when it flicks on.

This cycle continues till you have mustered the strength to get up which could be any second... any minute... any hour.... any day... any week.. any month now.

Time seems pointless, endless and dull.

You try to pull yourself out of it, making plans, setting alarms to get up, getting up to make food.

Nothing works.

Plans get cancelled because you don't have the energy to go out, alarms get turned off when you decide you'd rather lay in bed, food is left half-cooked or on the counter untouched.

Tears brim your eyes. Then spill over and drown your cheeks in a salty sea.

"What's wrong with me?"

After you feel better but it's not enough.

You are still stuck.

Torn apart.

Being swallowed by a never ending dark.