Lost Tales of F.K

I'm Still Here

I feel the pulse surge through my body. How many times have I felt this? I've lost count at this point. I wonder what will be different this time. I wonder if it will ever end ...

"Don't be upset Frank, this is the deal we've made after all."

I push the voice from my head and try not to think about it. This is just the normality I've come to accept. I pull out my phone, no calls or messages. I'm making the same mistake that I always do, hanging onto the hope that maybe this time would be different. Scrolling through my contact list I wonder who is still left. Silver, Natashja, Cody, Geoff, Nathan, Lee ... I consider dialing one of their numbers.

But what if they answer? What do I say? I haven't spoken to any of them for a while, maybe they just moved on with their lives. I wouldn't blame them though. I have the tendency to burn all my bridges while staying locked up inside my fortress, or is it a prison at this point?

My thoughts are interrupted by my phone vibrating. One word flashes through my mind;

Hope.

I check the message ...

"I really am a fool." a single chuckle devoid of energy escapes my throat, "I guess it is time to move on and get a new identity."

"It's not as bad as it seems; it is what you wanted, or would you like to make another deal?"

The voice is persistent, trying to taunt me into another mistake. I vowed to find a way to end this. I refuse to let it win.

The world looks different and the actors have changed, but fundamentally the script is still the same. That is the human strength, that is the human weakness.

I never took note of the phrase 'Be careful what you wish for.', but recently it's the only phrase I can't get out of my head. Lost in my train of thought, I stumble towards a familiar sight. In all the time I've been around, the only relief I've come to get is the sight of Jimmy's. A small bar owned by an information broker and arms dealer.

"How'd it happen this time?"

I turn to see Simon coming around the back of the building.

"Beheading."- I rub the back of my neck as I remember the sensation.

"Who'd you anger that you ended up losing your head? Literally."

Before I can answer, Simon motions for me to follow him around the back to what appears to be a storage room. The room however, is shrouded in darkness, with a single staircase in the center of the room, dimly lit by the light from outside. Simon shuts and locks the door behind us, eliminating the only light source in the room.

Without any hassles Simon begins to descend the staircase, with me following suit.

"To answer your question it was the emperor."

"You're going to have to be a lot more specific than that Franky."

"The supreme leader of the United Kingdom."

"You, my old friend, have been gone for quite some time."

"How long exactly?"

"3 700 years."

I don't respond, so we continue down the staircase in complete silence until we reach a small door. The door is smaller than the average door, adorned with various scripts that I am unfamiliar with. Yet the door itself is strangely familiar. Simon unlocks the door before turning to face me.

"You don't seem shocked, yet every time this happens, you look defeated. I am quite intrigued as to what your story is Franky."

"No real story here Simon. Just some foolish kid with no knowledge about the world."

"So you say, yet here you are, roughly 20 000 years later with the same look on your face as the first day I met you. Now that sounds like a story to me."

I let out a deep sigh as Simon leads us into the small office, and pours me a glass of whiskey.

"Believe it or not, I never wanted any of this. I had so many problems back then, even now I still do. Funny enough, even with this; power, each time I think I solved a problem a hundred more appear to take its place."- I down the glass of whiskey -"When I turned 24 years old, I tried to kill myself."

"I assume that didn't work out the way you wanted it to?"

"Not at all. My neighbour happened to see me and got me down before I suffocated. I was rushed to hospital and that's where I met it."

"What did it look like? I'm curious to know whether I know it."

"I know I saw its face, yet for some reason, whenever I try to recall details of its appearance, it eludes my mind."

Simon reaches over and pours me another drink.

"It asked me what my deepest darkest desire was, telling me it could grant my wish. The fool that I was simply blurted out that I wanted to die. I remember its sinister laugh and the words it told me."

"Was it the classic 'be careful what you wish for' phrase?"

"Not quite. It was more along the lines of 'If death is what you seek, who am I to deny you. I will grant you the power to obtain death as many times as you wish.'"

"So you wanted death and instead it gave you immortality?"

"Its way of letting me experience death over and over again, with no end to the loop."

"Then if you're immortal, what have you been doing all these years?"

"Simply trying to find a way to die for good."

"Tell me Franky. This question could end up helping you if you give it enough thought. If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?"

I left Jimmy's with a new identity. I was Frank Wachowski for this run. I know I can never escape my depression and self-hatred. They are demons that will haunt me forever because I allowed them into my safe haven when I was a young child. My objective however remains the same; find a way to die for good and end the cycle, but maybe, just maybe I'll trying living a bit.

I look up at the rays of light piercing through the storm clouds. I might be making a mistake believing in hope again, but I think about the question Simon asked me and the only answer that makes sense is 'Lost'.

I may be lost, but I am still here...