To the Moon and Back ~ chase hudson

60

   (Self harm warning)
                           I slam the door
and push my back up against it, slowly
falling onto the floor. He doesn't trust me. Maybe if I actually just went in there and told him everything that happened then he would trust me and we'd be in bed cuddling right now. I'm so stupid. At this point my sleeves look as if I ran out into the pouring rain. I guess I'm staying with Natalia tonight because she doesn't share a room with Zoe or Anthony and all the others are going out to a party. I try to get up, but my weak legs won't let me. I turn towards the white door and start drawing little hearts on it with my finger. I'm beyond hurt and full of pain and despair, but I can't imagine what's going through his mind right now. If only he knew how much I actually cared and loved him and how I would never do that to him. If I got hurt so badly in the same way then why would I hurt him if I love him? It all doesn't make sense. I steadily pick myself up off the ground like last time, but doing it successfully this time. Slowly walking I realize that I don't remember what room number Natalia's is so I text her.

Me
What's your room number

Talia 💋
501

Me
Ok I'll be up there in a second

I head towards
the elevator and put in the number
501. Shit. I forgot my suitcase. That's fine, I'll just wear something if hers or Hannah's because she shares a room with her and Elmo too. I hear a ding coming from the elevator and the doors pull open. I walk down the hallway. 503..502.. ah 501. Found it. Here we go. I turn the handle slowly just as I did with Chase's. I carefully walk into the room and see her laying on her bed on her phone. "Hey El-" she noticed that I had been crying and runs up to me, throwing me into her arms. "What happened baby?" She asks. I continue crying into her shoulder and she rubs my back still holding onto me. "Here let's go talk on the bed." She takes me to her bed and we sit criss cross on it. "Now what happened?" "Well.. I- I think chase broke up with me." I say. She looks at me in shock and wraps her arms around me again for support. "Why?" She asks. "So Anthony t- texted me and asked me to c-come down to the hallway because he wanted to talk to me a-and he kissed me right in-front of Zoe fucking Laverne and she twisted the story and told Chase that I k-kissed him and now he believes Zoe and not me!" I gradually raise my voice as I talk. "That's so fucking messed up." She reassures me. "Zoe probably already told the whole word for gods sakes." I sit there for a moment thinking as tears run down my face. "Also, I don't understand why he would think I would hurt him like that if the same thing happened to me and I got so badly hurt by it. He doesn't even realize that. I hope he comes to his senses and grows up to realize that I would never do that to him." She agrees with me and I tell her pretty much my whole life story because I trust her and she needs to know what happened to me to understand the whole thing. "Aww I'm so sorry." "It's fine, really. I'm over him and over everything he did to me." But that wasn't true. Every muscle in my body aches as I think about what he did. "It's just... I can't do anything right. I lost the most important person to me and the one I loved so deeply. It kills me to think I lost him for good." "You didn't do anything wrong, it was all Anthony and then some of chase for not believing you and believing that bitch." She tells me. I stare at the floor for a minute just sobbing and bad thoughts going through my head. Ones I thought I got over, but I guess not. "Hey, can I use the bathroom for a minute?" I ask. She nods and I walk into the bathroom locking the door behind me. I open the cabinet drawers searching for something sharp. Within a minute, I find a razor blade. Perfect. I cry even harder and...

Drag it across my wrist.

Once, twice, three times...

The agonizing pain is unbearable, however, I cannot yell due to Natalia being in the other room. All I can express are soft cries. I drop the blade and stare at what I have done. After a month of improvement, I relapsed.

I relapsed.

Over a boy I loved.

Scratch that, over a boy I love.

The blood quickly starts coming through so I turn the faucet on to wash it off. Red. Red water. It's not even faded by the water, it's pure red. Fuck. What have I done. How am I gonna tell Avani about this? Like, "so uh I got really upset over chase and cut myself?" No. I don't know how, but I'll have to eventually. If I don't, she'll find out. After all, she checks on me every week. Shit. That's tomorrow. Maybe she'll forget because we're at playlist. But I doubt that. She never forgets. After about 10 minutes, I hear a knock at the door. "Ellie are you okay?" Natalia shouts. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be out in a second." I say back as my voice shakes. At this point the wounds stopped bleeding, but burn bad when I take it out of the cold running faucet. I decide to tough it up because I don't want the scene to be more obvious than it already is. I dab a dry towel on my wrist and pull back down my sleeves. Wiping my tears, I open the door and walk over towards the bed. "Today was eventful." I broke the silence and she nodded her head. "Do you plan on telling anyone else?" She asks. "Well, I'll definitely have to tell Avani and maybe others if Chase tells them and they ask me about the whole situation." Little does she know that if I don't tell Avani she'll find out either way. "I'm gonna go out on the porch and get some fresh air." I tell her. I walk over to the sliding door and open it and go outside. Peering out of the balcony, my thoughts flush away. Until I hear the bathroom door shut.

The blade.

I left the blade in the sink.

(I'm not even joking I cried a little writing this but the amount of detail is in this one makes me so proud of it but it's so sad and I feel bad for Ellie :( we stan her but not some of the choices she makes)