hi and goodbye

thirteen

hi.

as i write this, at 2 am, there are literal tears making their way down my face. why am i such a sucker for cancer movies? they're like dog movies: both the dog and the cancer patient always die. they just do. i know can't handle dog movies, so why do i think i can do the cancer ones? let me tell you, i can't.

that reminds me, on the plane in june, i watched one that wasn't a cancer movie, but it made me cry harder than any cancer movie ever has. it's called five feet apart. i won't spoil it, but it was about this girl who has CF (cystic fibrosis) who has to stay a certain distance away from anyone else who has CF at all times. just imagine me, after a 6 hour flight, landing in new york sobbing on the plane. the stewardesses were definitely worried about me. i was worried about me. i couldn't stop crying. it was the worst i've ever cried in public; and since we were landing, i couldn't go hide in the bathroom and have a complete breakdown.

back to now: this is not the first time i've cried tonight. i didn't let myself feel it before, but i felt some hurt for you. i can only imagine how hard it is for you to lose the baby. and i am so sorry. really and truly that hurts me. you would have been a great mom. and i'm sure you still will be one day.

i was looking in the mirror before that even, and something made me think of you, and i didn't feel any anger like i usually do. i just felt sad. i watched myself breakdown. i talked to my reflection like it was you, but of course it wasn't. and i made myself even more sad with the words i said. this is not a good thing by any means, but i am really good at hurting my own feelings. olympic level good. i just have to catch myself at the right time to actually make myself cry.

i guess all of today is the right time.

goodbye.