Is This Love? (rusame)

Suicidal Thoughts

America's POV

Here I am... Laying on my bed or bed until I find my own house, popping some bubble wrap that Germany for some reason gave me. I'm only staying with Germany until I can actually live somewhere or if Russia takes me back. For all I know Russia could hate my guts right now and could be moving on already.

I can't believe I made the dumb choice to cheat on him. I know that Phillipenes just isn't right for me...

There's a knock on the door. "Hey, America, dinners ready!" Polands voice said. "Oh... Um... I'm not hungry right now!" I said. "Well, come eat when your ready!" She said before walking away. I continued to pop the bubble wrap. I find this satisfying. I can live like this.

After a few minutes I got hungry and walked out of my room. I walked into the dining room to see Germany and Poland sitting across from each other eating something I've never seen before. I just poked my head in, trying to see what they were eating. Its easier to just ask but I'm not really like that.

"Mmm... This is good Poland!" Germany said after he swollowed the food that was in his mouth. "Thanks,  Germany! I'm glad you like it." Poland said. "Is America not joining us?" Germany asked. "I'm afraid not... He said he isn't hungry..." Poland said. "You know, he hasn't eaten since he got here... I'm kind of worried... Should we check in him and make sure he's okay?" Germany asked.

"Don't worry too much, Germany. I'm sure he's fine." Poland said. "If you say so, my love..." Germany said, going back to eating.

I walked in, acting like I had just gotten there. "Hey guys. Watcha eating?" I asked. Poland looked at me. "Oh it's traditional Polish food! Do you want some?" Poland answered. "Uh... No thanks!" I said. Germany had a concerned expression at that. "America, when was the last time you ate?" Germany asked. "Well... Yesterday... I'll be fine though!" I said, faking a smile.

Germany, still looking concerned gave me a small smile back. "I gotta use the bathroom... I'll be back..." I said as I walked away. I went into my bedroom, grabbed my bag, pulled out a razor and walked into bathroom.

Why can't Russia forgive me...?

Does Russia still love me...?

Without Russia... What's the purpose of life...?

Why do I exist...?

Questions crowded my head. I put the razor to my wrist and cut it until I felt satisfied.

If Russia won't be around... Who will help me take care of the child...?

Will the child live...?

What if it dies...?

I'll have nothing left...

Why don't I die already...? I'm useless...

More thoughts crowded my head. I cut my arm again until I was satisfied for sure. I walked out of the bathroom and into my room. I put the bloody razor back into my bag.

I walked back into the dining room. Germany and Poland turned to look at me. "America! Your arm!" Poland said, her eyes wide. She stood up and walked over to me, grabbing my arm. She stared in shock at all the bloody cuts. "W-what have you done...?" She asked. "A thing the world will thank me for..." I said. She looked up at my face.

"America, the world won't thank you for hurting yourself... Please... Stop..." She said. "Sorry... I won't do it again..." I lied, trying not to make her feel concerned. I don't want anyone to sorry about me.

"America, go to the bathroom and clean these cuts, I'll get the first aid kit." She told me. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, running water over my cuts. After a moment Poland walked in holding the first aid kit. She opened it and pulled out a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a rag and some bandages.

I turned off the faucet and held out my arm for her. She opened the alcohol bottle and poured it on the rag. She closed it after pouring some on it. She dabbed the rag on my cuts. I flinched at the sting of the alcohol on my cuts but let her clean them. I wanted to pull my arm away but I didn't.

After she finished cleaning my cuts she took the bandages and wrapped then around my arms. "I better not catch you harming yourself again..." Poland said before walking away. I never thought Poland could sound so threatening. I guess it's just because she cares about me but still.

I sighed and walked out of the bathroom. I walked into the living room and sat on the couch. "Are you sure you don't want to eat anything?" Germany asked. "I'm good..." I said. Maybe if I starve myself Poland can't stop me.

What if Germany catches on? Poland possibly could too... But they can't force me to eat and Germany wouldn't like to bring it up, that's just how he is.

Welp it's official, I'm going to try and starve myself.

Russia's POV

I layed in my bed, thinking about how America was doing. 'Did he find a place to live? Is he doing okay? Did he get hurt? Wait... Why do I care about him? He doesn't love me...' I thought.

'But... What if he does still love me...? No I watched him, he loves Phillipenes more than me... Or... Does he...?' I began to question if I had done the right thing. 'I threatened to beat him with a vodka bottle... No way he wants me back... For all I know he could be terrified of me...' I thought.

I messed up big time. I hope he's found a place to stay... I'll work things out with him and hopefully he'll actually love me again. I feel terrible for even thinking of hurting him...

But can he really forgive me?

Maybe he can...

Would he forgive me though...? I could've seriously hurt him...

1003 words

Let's pray America will be okay... Don't starve yourself Ame