h a n d s

letter one.

'' just so you know, this is written in the future, as the story goes on these letters will make more sense. '' 

july 24, 2015. 

dear kaminari, 

          i don't know how to start this. i would never idmit this to you in person, but yes im in love with you. i love you so so much. i can't explain how much i love you. i should explain why im writing this letter, yesterday at school you came into the bathroom and changed my life. you invited me to come sit with you and your friends. i already feel like I've known you my entire life after that one conversation with you in the bathroom. i will plan to give you these letters eventually, but not now. i can't tell anyone about this secret... i don't feel ready yet. i can't even tell you about these yet. i need time, i need to wait until in closer. 

          im scared kaminari. im scared. im scared you might fine out and thing im disgusting. im not disgusting, i swear im not. i don't know what to do, i feel trapped. i feel empty, i feel hungry. but i don't want help, i don't need help. if i needed help i would have asked for it by now, i want to be skinnier. i need to be skinnier, i think one of the reasons i don't have friends is because im so skinny. you can see my ribs when i stand up or sit down. i get headaches, really bad ones. and i feel like im going to throw up every time i smell food. i can't stand to think of dying, but i feel like im almost there. im close to death. im scared to fall sleep, i don't want to close my eyes because im scared i'll never open them again. ill probably die with out marring, or getting a job. or even having kids. i want you to know that if i die, don't sit and sulk. be happy that im in a better place. with no fighting parents, not hungry belly, no teasing kids at school. 

          all i want you to know is that i love you. till next time. 

- shins hitoshi.