A million tears I wantto cry, but I shield my face and dry my eyes. Swallowing my hurt,breaking inside.
I know I don't have much time to live, that this illness it's slowly and painfully killing me every single day I pass by.
I don't want to spend my last days on a hospital bed when I know well all those treatments are a waste of time as they are not going to cure me. But also I know, you dear Seiya, don't want me to suffer and that all of this is for you to have hope that I'll recover. That I'll live long enough to make our dreams come true.
Nothing of that is happening.
All I wish now is that you can forgive me for leaving you here alone in this world, for not being as brave as you thought I was and deciding to end my life like this. But you have no idea of how much I suffer everyday even when it seems thateverything is fine and nothing hurts me. I feel so much pain that there are no words to describe it. The reason why I've come up with this plan is that I want you, my love, to remind me as the ever handsome and brave Nosaka Yuuma you met years ago. Yes, I've heard you referring to me like. Please, understand that I don't want to keep on suffering. I want to spend my last days by your side, even if it's for a short period as there isn't a single reason to prevent me of doing such thing.
When I think about it, my plan, it's so lovely. So exciting. Going to an antique dress store, picking outdresses and playing dress-up, trying to find the one. The perfect one. Doing my makeup as the pretty girl I never was, and feeling like a princess waiting for my blue prince to come, rescuing me from this cruel fate. Spending my last day together, you and I, doing whatever we want, eating junk food and candy, and kissing each other with sticky ice cream lips, whispering how much we love each other withthe sun shining down on us, holding hands. Lying in the grass. Breathing in my last air and staring up at the blue sky, and the fluffy clouds. Dancing around to our favorite songs.
Then I leave you at home, promising youI'll be back soon, that I'm only going for a walk and you believe me, and smile at me. I kiss you goodbye and I go. On my way to that place, I start drinking and taking pills and drugs as the sun falls from the sky, into the night. My fears resting in the pitch ofmy stomach start to become numb, and I wait. Then I take a taxi and ask the driver to leave me there. And I walk down the dark tracks, with only the moon to guide me for one last time. Bringing with me the letter I've written for you to read when I no longer exist in this world. I walk down, balancing, stumbling. Laughing while tears stream down my face, knowing that soon this sufferingwill cease.
Then I reach the curve. That's the spot. I lie there, with my neck resting against the cold rails. I listen to the songs I've already selected for this occasion until I am calm. I talk to myself, comforting me. This is it. I hear the horn sound miles away, and I start praying to a God I know it doesn't exist and letting go. I sweat and cry, holding myself. I wait. And it comes. And I die, finally. I am finally free.
I am so ready. I'm so ready to be free.
