The untold story of Jahseh part 1

Love and Loss

Like I said, iv always needed that love and comfort from someone like my mother but since she wasn't around much the next best thing was women. I didn't have much trouble getting girls but I had a lot of trouble finding the one. I knew this girl once her name was Ana. She was a really cool person easy to talk to simple. When we first started dating I had trouble with her though. At the beginning of our relationship she had dudes in her dms not only that would dm her but ppl that she would message back as well so basically she had hoes. I obviously got jealous and told her to open her eyes that we were in a relationship, she had trouble but eventually she let them go and blocked most of them and ghosted the rest. She really fell in love with me I would say during February, we started dating in November of 2018. It was a good relationship for the most part, we had our fair share of arguments but nothing to crazy. Until one day she had to move away to Montgomery Alabama which was a big switch from a big city like LA to a small one in the middle of nowhere. Distance became hard but not enough to make us feel like we couldn't date anymore. I went to visit her in March and again in April of 2019. In that second visit I caught her talking to one of her main hoes that i had told her to block and got really mad but for some reason got over it while I was with her and brushed it off. It really started affecting me when I got back because I just i started to feel really distance (I know ironic bc of the distance) but it was as if I had cut a tight strong string between her and I. I really doubted her and started not trusting her. Somedays we would be talking and I would just think about the shit she has done to me and went behind my back and done or kept from me. I felt like I lost a bit of love and enthusiasm each day with the exception of some days when I was in a good mood but for the most part my love was fading by the day. It was August and summer was over, I went to get a job and started working while making music on the side. I met this girl at my job, she was 17 and I was 16. Her name was Dylan she was as beautiful as any light skin African American girl comes. She was a cheerleader at my old high school, she was the captain of it, she wanted to go somewhere with her life, she was smart and quick with things, wasn't complicated at all, she was just a good person I was instantly attracted to her damn I remember how beautiful she was when she would smile her eyes would squint, I loved her voice I loved her energy I enjoyed her company. As much as I tried to not catch any feeling of attraction to her I couldn't control myself, I tried not talking to her but the conversation flowed so well. I would come home and call ana on the phone feeling a bit guilty and pretend to be happy. Not to say each moment was hell with her because we had some actual laughs and good days but the bad days outweighed the good days. I found myself feeling absolutely nothing saying "i love you" or when she would threaten to leave me I would say "no please baby I need you babe" and get all lovey dovey but it scared me how when I said those words over the phone, i sounded so sensitive and sincere but in reality I was in my room with a calm unworried look on my face playing a game like clash Royale or something sounding so hurt and in live over the phone. It sucks that she actually believed it. As time progressed I started to talking to Dylan at work more and gave me her phone to put my Snapchat in and we started talking. I never told ana about her because I knew she would get angry if I said she was just a friend. Our conversations never got out of hand with flirting but I was attracted to that woman so much. Then on October 5th at around 7:45 am pt I got a call from her crying and yelling at me asking me who the fuck was Dylan on my Snapchat. I told her she was just a friend from work and didn't feel anything for her. We talked it out and she was willing to forgive me for over reacting when I didn't even do anything with her. We were getting past it until she told me to block Dylan, that's where I drew the line. That's where I snapped and it wasn't just about Dylan but for me it was about standing my ground and setting boundaries ( something I should've established at the beginning of the relationship) I told her that we shouldn't be having e/o's passwords and codes to things. I lied to her and didn't block Dylan but said I did. She was fine with it but was determined to get my Snapchat password to see for herself. After almost 1 hour of going back and fourth making up excuses to not giving her my password she got it, and I changed Dylan's name hoping she wouldn't find out. She found out and started crying. She said how could I lie to her again, how could I be so stupid and expect her to not find out, I was speechless and for a minute I thought to myself and saw my life flash before my eyes. I saw myself dropping my music and friends and family and future to go live with her and go to community college with her and just build my life around her but then it all being a lie because I knew that deep down in my heart I didn't love her anymore, I had lost it and didn't want to waste her future time by pretending to love her when in reality I didn't. I stopped trying and caring about even arguments like I said before only this time I said fuck it and just let it all out. I let out how this would never work between us how I needed a girlfriend here with me not someone who's gonna keep me in my room all day talking to her isolating myself from the rest of the work just to talk to her. I then found myself tearing up. I looked at my hands and wiggled my fingers to check if this was actually happening if we were really about to break up and what I was going to do after it all ended. We talked for another hour coming to the conclusion that this really wasn't gonna work out, that this can't go on any longer. It hurt me so much, it was like saying goodbye to my brother or someone I spent my whole life with. I started thinking about all the good times laughs cries arguments, etc. I regretted breaking up with her but couldn't turn back now knowing how stupid I would look if I came back to her. I came to the conclusion it was a good idea in the long run not wasting anyone's time with me losing love for her by the day. We started saying our goodbyes thank each other for showing one another new things, new feelings, new places, first love and first heartbreak. We both cried like bitches especially me because deep down I knew it wasn't just the end of her, it was the end of my love life, I wasn't going to find another woman like her and I knew it. We said goodbye and that was the end of it, we never talked again. As much as she loved me I think she handled the breakup way better than I. She took of my picture and comments on her posts on Instagram and I saw she started following her hoes again, especially the 2 I told her never to talk to again, the 2 i knew since the beginning of the relationship she had a connection to. I got so angry and felt so betrayed I punched the walls, did so many push-ups, sit ups, hit my head on the desk, and yelled in my pillow like I never had before in my life. I asked myself wtf was wrong with me, I thought I had fallen out of love with her why did I feel this for her why was I crying for her and falling apart. I never got that answer but I decided it was best to isolate myself from her and not have any contact with her, I blocked her on Instagram, I friended her on Snapchat, Twitter, and removed her from my contacts. What hurt me the most is how she seemed to be posting as if nothing happened to her on her story but then again she told me she wouldn't show anyone how hurt she was, she told me she wouldn't let anyone see her pain because she hated people seeing her weak. Maybe that's why she brang her hoes back, because she just wanted to distract herself from the pain but only she knows, maybe she did feel a connection for the 2 main hoes she had i don't know. I never saw or spoke to her again after that day I haven't wanted to. I started talking to Dylan after that but after a long while, I came to the conclusion nothing lasts forever.