CUTE GIRL COMPLEX - Identity

Chapter 9 - Alice

"So, you're a boy?" A kid teases, immediately giggling after heckling me.

I pull the hat tighter over my head, further sinking and pinning my face into my desk as I try to get away from this nightmare. I want to scream because my life is over, for everyone knows who I was originally, and I will never be seen as who I want to be. My heart is completely shattered from the fact that everything is continuing to sprial out of control. This very moment proves that one false movement is enough to completely derail all of the dreams you've been working towards.

"What a freak," I hear another kid sneer, a girl this time, "You'll never be accepted into society again."

It's disheartening to know that the things that are being said to me are all from my own classmates. These nasty remarks are being made and repeated by other fifth graders, and considering that they all must have been taught to be this way from their parents and peers just further proves that this world is an extremely difficult place to live in for kids like me, growing up in an unstable household as they question their sexuality, gender, and their role in life.

Unfortunately, no matter how passionate I feel about this issue, everyone seems to know myself better than I do. It's wrong to act a certain way, it's wrong to like certain things, and it's wrong to follow certain dreams and feelings. Everything is decided by what society wants, and if you don't fit within those perimeters, you'll be hung out to rot whilst they beat their ill-advised correct sense into you. I can't make decisons for myself whatsoever, and the fact that it'll never change for the better is something I might have to eventually accept.

"Hey, hey, do you like other guys?" Another student scoffs, slamming their hand against the desk to intentionally make me jump, "Do you like to watch other girls go to the bathroom?"

I don't want to hear this anymore because what they're saying is not true, but there's nothing I can do that can prove that I'm different from those people who all the other kids compare me with. I only want to hide under my desk and cry until the day ends and everyone goes home; only to come back tomorrow and receive the same treatment until I graduate from college.

Being closeted and secretive at home whilst being the person I wanted to be at school was always a dream of mine, but just like any dream, there is always a scenario where it can turn into a nightmare. No matter how accurate I dress, how unassuming I sound, or how effeminate I act, in the eyes of society I am no better than the freak that slanders trans boys and girls in order to justify themselves as a predator. Unfortunately, once you are labeled and cast aside, there is no turning back. My normal human life would basically be over.

A feel a bunched and crumpled piece of paper get tossed onto my shoulder. Rather softly, it bounces onto my desk, but as it rolls into my line of sight, I can feel a heavy weight pull down onto my heart. I know what will happen once I open the crude note and read it, but the pairs of eyes that stare at my misfortune makes me feel obligated to let them continously torture and pester me until I do eventually break or they get bored of making me cry. Dread fills my soul.

Before I have the chance to open it, the crumpled ball is yanked from my hands. I have already decided to start crying before I even process that there is someone in front of me. My intuition tells me that it's already too late for any sort of miracle to happen to me, but at that exact moment, without even realizing it, the miracle was the very person who unintentionally got me in the situation to begin with. Despite the later realization, I pull the cap over my eyes and start to hide myself and hug my knees extremely tightly; my nails easily dig into my skin as a means to express my stress and hopelessness.

The girl was at my house yesterday for math help considering that I have been the class representative ever since I have transferred over here to this school. In all honesty, she is the one who put me in this situation in the first place, but I don't really think it's fair to put all the blame on her. Instead, it must have been bad timing, and I can guarantee that she will never be able to come back to my house again because of the incident.