I know you're tryna do you, but I heard you fell off. After a couple bad nights, and 20 cold hearts
I woke up in arandom hotel room with another stranger to myright. This is probably the 20th one-night stand I've had in the past 6 months. It all started off when I felt like I needed to branch outside of my relationship with Conor. We had been together for the past 6 years which feels like a lifetime when you consider the fact that we only turned 20 this year. We had been together since we were 14! My whole high school life was spent with him and everything in my world seemed to revolve around him and there wasn't a moment where I didn't think about him or wonder what he was doing when he left to go compete on Boy Band and now that he's touring it only makes things more complicated.
Everyone always says that we're too young to know about love and maybe they're right. Maybe I just got so used to him and the comfort that came with our relationship. Nothing else seemed to matter to the two of us. It was us against the world until suddenly it wasn't. He started to get more well-known around the world and I was still the same girl from Cleveland going to college and trying to keep my mind in check while acting like everything was normal when in reality it wasn't. Nothing was the same except for the fact that Conor was still my boyfriend...until he wasn't.
It started gradually with the distance and the busy schedules creating a small strain in our relationship until it wasn't just a small strain anymore. It became a huge crack and soon it seemed like everything was falling apart and there was nothing we could do to save it and maybe I didn't want to save it. Maybe I needed this change so that I could work on who I am as an individual and not just as Conor's girlfriend. Maybe I needed to find out who Y/n is outside of my relationship with Conor. That was ultimately why I broke it off with him. He had a whole career to focus on and that should be what he's worried about.
So here I am, doing the walk of shame yet again. This routine has become something I got used to doing and honestly my friends hated it. I would go out on a Friday night after rushing to complete all my school work for Monday and end up waking up in a strange room next to a stranger who's name I couldn't remember (not like I really need to anyways) before quietly getting my things, sneaking out and making my way back to my shared apartment. I currently share an apartment with Kaitlyn and yes I know what you're thinking, "Kaitlyn as in Conor's sister?" well yes that would be her. We got really close throughout the time I dated her brother and we never let the break-up change that. She keeps me sane and always tries to convince me that all my one-night stands or as she likes to call them, my "20 cold hearts" aren't going to help me find myself nor will it help me heal from the break-up but her opinion never changed my actions and I continued to do this as much as I felt like I needed to.
Tryna find a new you, but I heard you got lost. Tryna figure your worth, what the hell does that cost?
It's been about 8 months since the break-up and I have finally given up on all the one-night stands, instead, I am going on countless blind dates and trying to see if anything good will come out of any of them. So far they all sucked and all the guys were complete idiots with zero respect for others. All of the guys I have been set up on dates with really just wanted to have a one-night stand and when I refused, they would get mad say something rude and storm off like a little child who got told they couldn't have a cookie before eating their dinner. It's unbelievably hard to find a good guy who wants an actual relationship when you're in university.
There was one guy who I thought might work out but he would always comment on how I dressed like I was a boy or like I didn't care about what I looked like because I practically lived in jeans, t-shirts, hoodies and tank-tops. At first I didn't pay much attention to what he had to say and I would just try and dress in more feminine clothes when I went out with him but over time my friends started to notice how I was changing everything about myself from the way I talked to the way I dressed. If it weren't for them then I would probably still be dating that controlling and disrespectful guy.
I never realized things were as bad as they were until I randomly got a message from Conor. It was a simple and short message but it screamed a thousand words to me. All he had to say was "He ain't the play and you know it." and suddenly it's like my eyes opened and the rose coloured glasses were taken off. I started to see what was really happening and dumped him faster than you could even say the word dump. I never messaged him back but I was grateful that even after all I had put him through, he was still looking out for me and cared about how I was doing.
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Liked by chance, drew, kaitlynasmith and 16, 755 others User: conormichaelsmith Caption: Tryna figure your worth, what the hell does that cost? 👤: yourinstagram
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I saw his post and I knew the caption was directed at me. When I explained my reason for breaking up with him the last thing he told me was that I should never lose myself while I was searching for the other parts of me. He didn't want me to completely abandon the person I had become over the past 20 years and I guess it hurt him to see me do just that when I was seeing my ex (if you could even call him that).
Truth is that I miss Conor. I miss the way he made me feel special and loved every day. I miss our late night adventures, video calls when we knew we both should've been asleep, listening to him rap, watching him write in his notebook, cuddling with him as we watched movies with his family on Friday nights. I missed it all. No one else understood me like he did but I ended it and I need to deal with the consequences of that decision.
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