why do you always decide to hurt me? Do you not care about me? Am I that easy to forget..? Maybe it's because I'm different.. different from the rest of the other people you hang out with.
The first day, I met you I couldn't stop talking about how sweet you were.. the smiles you gave me the way you waited for me to go to classes at band camp.. you were the one person who was actually interested in talking to me. I knew that me and you would have got close and we did when I found out you like the same stuff I did..
I'm sorry I didn't message you sooner over that summer but I'm glad that me and you had got a lot closer to one another. It made me so happy during that same summer I went through a lot. I wasn't the best person but you slowly showed me how to become better. You always knew how to make me smile and gave me the most sweetest compliments. You always made me smile even at the darkest times I knew that you were my best friend.
It's already been 2 years.. I showed you how
to role-play and we've been doing it ever since. I never regretted showing you and I always enjoyed making up stupid ideas and being silly with you all the time.. you don't know how happy it makes me when I talk to you..
But that's when it started.
The anxiety and the uncontrollable emotions that I had feeling up my body. I've never knew how to explain it.. I never even knew if I was correct about what I thought I felt.
I slowly got attached to you. I started to think that you were the only person who cared about me and that I should just stay by you cuz you're the only person I need.. that's when we started our first fight.. I had my first panic attack. I almost lost you until I fought my way to you again and kept you as my best friend.
Ever since that day I slowly began to shake violently day-by-day and get a weird feeling in my stomach like butterflies rushing around quickly. Whenever you texted me I felt my heart stop completely I felt scared. I slowly became sick mentally and physically. To the point where I kept on getting panic attacks when we fought or I kept on crying having mental breakdowns day and day out..
I started to throw up.
I lost appetite of everything that I tried to eat.
I feel ...... depressed.
I felt scared but happy. The small words you said to me saying I love you got to me every time. The small things you say like I loved you and small nicknames you made for me.. this made my heart happy it made me jumpy and just full of euphoria! But you also neglected me.
Whenever we fought you always knew a way to ignore me and then come back saying that it was just your emotions. You said things when you were mad. That all I am on is my phone that I'm always depressed and sad and clingy.. I always had that engraved in my head and always been afraid of myself.
It's not fun to be insecure and scared of a person.
Even a person you think that will be there for you, but you're scared that they will leave.
I wish you could see how I really react towards you. That day when . You didn't want to be my friend you pretended!
You pretended to care for me.
Ever since the day we stopped talking slowly. And you never spoke to me again. For a whole month.. you stopped talking to me. Of course I went on with my life I tried to not think of you because it hurt me. Because I still care about you even if you hurted me so many times to the point where it made me mentally and physically sick. I cared about you that much.
You should have saw my face when you texted me I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling and getting excited.. the small conversation we had made me smile but I was just scared to talk to you again.. I was scared that the same thing will happen again..
I started talking to you. I responded dry because I thought I might get hurt once more. I ended up telling you how I felt and you just told me you loved me you were sorry you regretted not talking to me. It's already been 2 days since you last texted me all you have been doing is posting on your story about the game and not even bothering by telling me that you were going to be busy. To be honest I do love you with all my heart but I'm just scared that you will hurt me again and I might not to be able to handle it.
It's not fun being sad. It's not fun to violently Shake and throw up and have mad anxiety just because one girl. ONE GIRL.makes you feel scared.
Ever since that first fight we had. That first big fight. I've never been the same again. I don't know if you will leave me again.. but I am going to be prepared if you do.. but if you do please give me a proper goodbye and don't leave me hanging like a puppy waiting for their owner to come back from work or back from a trip. Don't make me feel alone and think that you still care about me when you really don't. Don't make me happy when you know you're only pretending.
I maybe wrong.
But I want you to know I love you. And I truly mean that even if you don't love me back. I hope you're having an amazing night and I hope you don't forget about me.
END.
