My untold Story

tonight

In the middle of the night holding back tears is something I am unable to do. As I sit in an uncomfortable familiar place. The pit in my stomach tightens. My eyes are blurry and I lump in my throat. Probably due to all the things I want to scream out.  not trying to expose my weakness. I am trying to be strong, well because I want to be strong. I have given up many times before and its always the outcome. I clench my fist. Getting spoken down, making it seem that what I am doing is bad, writing, writing everything is happening right now. I am being punished for being and doing, simply me. I found comfort in being alone. I found comfort being told to myself I don't need fake love or fake happiness. The majority of the world lived in a bubble, a toxic bubble for the most part. My neck is hurting. looking down at my fingers pounding at the keyboard. Am I being overdramatic, is that ok if I am. I feel like I should feel bothered by this evil cat and mouse game. the sad thing is he doesn't even know he is playing. I wanted to run away so many times when I was younger that I ran right into the same web and been stuck. Being forced to drop everything I do and serve to him. Negotiating my body parts. Its madness. I don't know what to do. I am acting like I am busy . . Making it seem that I am " working " All I want is to watch is my cheesy horror movies and eat some candy. But eyes are on me by a half-naked drunken fool. I am going to keep on going until he is fully knocked out. I can't do this anymore, and I won't do this anymore. I found my voice. I have seen myself and all I ever want in life is at my fingertips. Waiting for the snores to grow deeper and heavier. The foot pounding has stopped so that is good. Only due to alcohol he is next to me lying on the floor. It makes me think of the times I was forced to sleep on the floor, then brings up being forced to eat the burnt food I made. then a whirlwind of shit, I must say hi to it and let it pass. I will no longer take any of that abuse and he knows it, he can see it and he can feel it. My aura is not inviting to him . . it something just happen, I say its due to all the emotional abuse. he believes there is no such thing, the physical abuse yes that did have an impact. I was so weak before it is sicking, all I am glad is that I have a whole life ahead of me! I found true happiness that is bone-deep. Well, I am tired and I hope there will be no wandering hands. I am a bit scared because he is bigger than me and stronger than me. It has happened in the past. but I have been corned and put down with words when I refuse. sometimes its easier to drift off in a world deep in my subconscious while he squishes me with his dominance . . He is drifted away, my stomach is in pain due to hunger, my time to finally move around the house comfortably and find some snacks. well, I guess it is too late. ill get some shut-eye