A path of broken falls

Chapter 4 - Confusion

I don't recall any memories of this place; everything seems scattered in my head, as if I can only recite some minor pieces of a puzzle. I glance at my unstrapped legs which pleases me, I remember the screen and dart my gaze in front of me. Was somebody watching me at all times? The room i'm in is still dull, only containing the bed in which I lay in, and a moveable table tossed into the corner. I place my feet on the floor, cold when my feet meets it, I lift my hand to feel my head of where I once had hit this hard floor. I cannot recall how many days ago that was. The dimly lit room confused my new day feeling, was it night time? I reach the bathroom door pushing it with ease; I reach for the toothpaste spreading it onto the brush. I turn on the warm water and start my old habit of brushing my teeth first thing in the morning. As I lift my right arm to my mouth the muscles contract and tremble, my body so weak still, I spit and look ahead, my frail body looks frail and my hair a little matted, my face gaunt, I drop my gaze. I cannot look any further.

A key turning into the door startles me enough to send adrenaline pulsing through my veins. I turn around, I see his wavy blonde hair. I wipe my mouth quickly to make sure I've not left any remnants from brushing.

"Good morning Ms Shepherd, me and you need to sit down and have a conversation now you are feeling more yourself" he smiles and tilts his head to one side. He walks into the room with a swift masculine glide, his folder in hand and I follow reluctantly. "How about you put down that weapon of yours, I'm not sure what kind of damage you can do with such a thing" he winks taking the tooth brush from my hand and my cheeks instantly burn. I could not for the life of me work out how to read this arrogant arsehole of a doctor. "Please sit" as he taps the bed. "Now that the medications are out of your system I'd like to work on how we are going to get you better, for that is why you were sent to us, how does that sound?" I lift my gaze to read his facial expression, the flick of his eyes meant that he was reciting a past event, he seemed trustworthy in his tone and as he sat his posture was facing me showing his interest and potentially concern, he breaks eye contact multiple times, which indicates submission or discomfort. His name badge reads Dr Parker but I would not be calling him by his name, I would not allow myself to get lost in trusting someone, even if he was trying to help me. The word junior psychiatrist was of concern. I flash through my memory of all the doctors I've encountered, none of which were juniors, I wondered why I was getting treated by a junior when "Ms Shepherd, please will you talk with me, I'd like to help you?" his tone still sounds sincere. "How about we go elsewhere, you have been stuck in this room since your admission?" I walk towards the door as my answer. "Ladies first". I glance up and down the corridor, his hand gestures to walk ahead, hmm a wedding band, I can see why he would be married, his genetics must be pleasing for most women. I walk hesitantly and as I hear the footsteps. I try and recall what the familiarity of this. The suite behind me...the pain. The injection! My heart gallops deep in my chest and in my mouth, my ears ringing. Sweat beads start on my forehead. The suite! Panic overwhelming panic, I turn to run. I turn and instantly walk into him.

"Don't panic, don't panic I'm right here"  Both of is hands are softly placed on my shoulders, "no needles Ms Shepherd, no injections, just please calm a little" He reaches into his pocket and lifts a key card, I memorise the number instantly. We walked side by side, as if he knew that been behind me would frighten me from when I was sedated right here in these very halls. A swipe of his key as we reach 10 meters or so or 73 steps although I could pick my pace up if I walked these halls unattended. There was not a soul about and evenly spaced rooms, perhaps other patient beds, security cameras in every corner, not a window in sight. It felt like I had no idea of time, no concept of what season we might be in, or what year. I wondered how many seasons had passed, I could have missed an entire year, it was a difficult concept to grasp, I wondered if this is what dementia feels like, constantly trying to make clear the days, the past and the future.