Peribat

Christmas

Personally, at sixteen, I didn't know what the fuck kind of religion I adhered to. My parents had both been Christian, but I didn't really believe in a god, just some wiccan traditions. I guess at that point, I was a weird hybrid breed of agnostic and atheist. Of course, that's extremely pleasant when the Jesusy side of your family comes to visit. The ones who would poke fun at the lesbian couples on the street. I just remember thinking to myself "Hey, if we can get through this week without any incidents, I can do anything." Now, I should have known that spending Christmas with the questionable side of my family would be bad, but I made some ground rules. Number one, don't mention anything about being bisexual. Number two, don't even think about telling them you're not Christian. Finally, number three was the ultimate rule, just agree with whatever political statement they make.
It was December 23rd when they had arrived, and by they, I mean Aunt Paige, Uncle Liam, and their three crackhead cousins. I had another cousin, but he was sketchy, so we didn't invite him. My cousins, Lucas, Jasmine, and Reid, were fucking insane. Like, if you thought I was insane, these bitches made me look like a nun. Last Christmas, Jasmine snorted crushed peppercorns while chanting verses in the satanic bible. Reid decided to sneak into the sewers. Lucas legitimately tried to push me down my staircase. I'm so thankful that I didn't die right then and there. In his defense, though, he was only eleven years old. Reid was seventeen, and yet he still jumped out of the sewers to scare little kids. Out of all of em', I think that Jasmine was the most functional out of all of them. She was sort of a pyromaniac, but she and I did enjoy talking about girls together. She was a closeted lesbian, sheltering her inner thoughts from her parents while she secretly dated one of her best friends. I'm still surprised that they weren't caught when my Aunt walked in on Jasmine while they were under the covers. She just played it off as if she was playing truth or dare, and then shouted, "Ew! Why would you make me lick your leg, ugh! Anyways, hi Mom!" I cannot believe that worked. If I had pulled something like that, I would have been kicked out of the house. Simple as that.
That night, Jasmine set up her air mattress on my floor, glancing up at me with a smirk.
"Jazzy, why are you looking at me like you killed someone?"
"Ayyy, I'm not that bad, I'm just smiling because we're going out." She cast a concerning grin which made me question my life choices. Honestly, I was always down for sneaking out, but with Jasmine, we were either going to get caught or killed. That's just how it went with her.
"Jasmine I am not robbing a store, just know that I'm not committing any felonies tonight."
"Nah, you won't have to, babe. Just throw on a tight black dress, fix your makeup, and get your damn car with me. We're going clubbing."
"Shit." I sighed, knowing I really had no choice in the matter. My hands grazed over every elegant piece of clothing in my wardrobe until they landed on a black, lacy dress. It wasn't the best, but I obviously couldn't wear my white dress anymore.
So we hopped in my black Toyota, rolled down the windows, and proceeded to pull out of the driveway. Jasmine stuck her head out of the passenger seat window, proceeding to flip off the houses we had just passed. Even though they didn't do anything remotely offensive to her, mainly because they were houses, she still took it upon herself to channel her inner resentment.
She plugged the address into my navigation system, typing in each key as she hummed the tune to some indie pop song.
"Jasmine, babe, I love ya, but please don't bring me to some place where I'm going to lose a kidney."
"Persephone, babe, I love ya, but you have two kidneys, you can live without one. Plus, you're probably not going to have your kidneys stolen, we're just going to meet an old friend."
"Old friend? What do you mean? You're literally my age. You're acting like you have the connections of a mob boss Jazzy."
"Hmmm gimme a position of power and I would run the world." She was obviously joking with me, her dark purple streaked hair flowing over her chest while she laughed profusely. I guess I couldn't complain about that night, we didn't get arrested, so that was good.
We ended up walking through the doors of this weird, underground club. She centered her eyes on the bouncer. He was a tall, broad man, with a deep voice and a scary expression on his face. It was as if we had discarded the thing he cherished most right in front of his eyes. Standing in front of him made me feel small. That was rather unusual, given that I was a 5'6, 150 pound girl. I wasn't used to feeling like a mouse compared to others. Jamison was the only one who really felt substantially taller than me. He was about 6'3.
Anyways, this man looked me up and down with a snarl, scanning my figure for abnormalities. He quickly shot his head back at Jasmine, but squinted right at her eyes. Suddenly, in the deepest, most riveting voice I have ever heard, he yelled, "Jasmine Baker! Goddamn it's been a long time!" She ran into his arms as he hugged her tightly, savoring every moment. What was my cousin doing in a thirty seven year old's arms? I honestly have no idea what the answer to that question is, and I don't think I want to know.
The man let us into the nightclub swiftly and discreetly, winking at Jasmine as she scooted by. Now, it took me a while to realize what had happened that night. Even after I woke up the next morning, I still didn't know my own thought process that lead me to do what I did. I realize now. It might be that I've aged. Honestly it took me so long to figure out why I was feeling the way I was under those lights. It was as if it brought me back to that night at the party, the shimmer, the darkness, the sounds of people having fun. I don't know. It just felt like I was back in that room again, although it didn't feel like it. It's hard to explain. What I felt that night could be compared to the most horrifying deja vu you've ever felt. It was like I was back at the room again, with Peter. I was under him while he pulled up my dress. I was back, but Jamison wasn't there to save me. He wasn't there to hold me and make sure I was okay. I guess that night, at the club with Jasmine, it was the first time I realized that I needed Jamison. Not just wanted him, I physically needed him. He was a crutch for me. One that I couldn't live without.
Jasmine found me thirty minutes later after we had separated. I was curled up in a corner, my hands tucked behind my head, crying profusely. She wiped the tears from my eyes and looked at me. Her hands pressed against my cheeks, like she was giving me a miniature hug. Just seeing her care for me made everything a little better. She helped me stand up, wrapped her arm around my shoulder, and said, "We're going."
Honestly, Jasmine was batshit, but she knew when something was wrong. I think that was why she never got arrested for all the shit she did. It was like she had some crazy intuition. One that I wish I had possessed all these years. She inherited it from our great grandmother, Ria. Ria died before I was born, but apparently she had the ability to "detect the devil's work." Who would have known that it would be used to avoid the cops.
Jasmine drove me home, because honestly, I was in no condition to start driving a goddamn car. She usually drove like a madwoman, but this time, she deliberately slowed herself down so we wouldn't both die. Halfway through the ride home, she stopped at a gas station. Some off-brand petrol stop that had slushies and cigarettes. She left me in the car, walked in, bought herself a pack of twinkies, got gas, and then brought me a large grape slushie. I looked up at her and took the slushie from her freezing cold hands.
"How- How did you know?"
"When we were ten, you told me that you'd die before you gave up grape lollipops. I kind of assumed that things haven't changed."
"They haven't." I answered in a raspy voice, shivering from the winter breeze.
"Alright, you're clearly not alright. What in the hell happened in there? It was like some kind of PTSD kicked in, Percy." I didn't answer her, instead I just sipped on my slushie.
"You acted as if the lights had given you a stroke, are you epileptic or shit?"
"I don't want to talk about it, Jazzy." I was on the verge of tears.
"That's not an option."
And so I told her everything, everything about Peter. I told her everything about my dad, about the medication, about the impulsiveness, about not eating, about everything that was weighing down on me like a whole fucking house, I told her everything. It took about forty-five minutes. Just forty five minutes of me trying to form words while uncontrollably sobbing, her holding my hand with a shocked expression.
When I was done, she just sat there staring straight at me.
"Do they know. Your parents. About Peter?"
"Yeah."
"And they didn't tell us?"
"They thought if it got around the family, I would be known as a sinner. I'm not a virgin anymore."
"Fuck them," Jasmine said, clenching her teeth, "Fuck them for everything. I would offer for you to live with me, but my Mom's a fucking nutcase, so I really don't know. I'm so sorry Percy." She started crying, repeating it over and over again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," She broke down, placing her head in my lap. I just looked at her tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and looked away. "It's okay."