The Dead Of Night

All Apologies

I spent the cab ride to Mr. Attler's house thinking about how much I missed Janson. I had to get myself out of bed when my alarm went off, I didn't get his approval on my outfit, and I had no one to chat with. It's only when we're pulling up and the lights are out that I stop to think whether or not they'd be awake. It was ten o'clock on a Sunday after all.

"I'll only be a couple minutes." I told the cabby and hop out. I'm biting my lip and rocking on my feet for twenty seconds before I get the courage to ring the door bell. It was Mr. Attler who opened the door. Oh god... I thought. I hope last night doesn't ruin my grades.

"Oh, Mallorie. How are you Ms. Carohls?" He asked, leaning against the door frame.

"I'm fine. Is, uhm, is Andrew home?" I hated how quiet my voice was.

"Yeah, I'll go get him." He said calmly backing up, then more quietly, "Did something happen the other night? He seems off."

"I just had to run off. My dad called me." I shrugged dismissively, hating myself for lying.

"Ah, alright then." He said and disappeared into the house. I looked nervously at the cab for a moment and when I turned around Andrew was in the doorway, leaning against the door frame. I jumped at his sudden, silent arrival. I don't expect the knot in my stomach; it feels like a mixture of excitement and extreme nervousness.

"Hey." I tried a smile.

"Hey." He said in a dead pan voice.

I bit my lip, worried about what I'd say. I picked at the hem of my coat like I'd once seen my mother do. "You didn't tell them."

"No." There's a silence for a while. I'm not sure how to proceed, and I don't think he knows what to do either. "What are you doing here, Mallorie?"

The disparity in his voice kills me, and I don't know if the knot in my stomach could possibly get any tighter. "I wanted to say sorry."

"You kissed me," he said with exasperation, but he keeps his senses about him and his tone low. "And then you run off crying. What am I supposed to think about that?"

"That I didn't mean to hurt you?" I bite my lip and look down at my feet, I pick at my hem frantically. "I just got out of a relationship, and I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship." I don't want to say its his father or that he was dead to begin with but now he's gone, so I settle with. "It's just really complicated." And, just like that, I think I'm going to cry.

"Was it that kid they found at the ravine?" He asked quietly.

"What?" I asked, snapping my head up. It takes a moment for me to realize that he means Zack.

"I read about it in the news paper." He gives an apologetic shrug and shifts his weight around, like he doesn't know how to stand. " I don't mean to be rude, I just don't remember his name."

"His name was Zack." I said, and then deciding it would be easier to say it was him then to have to tell him I knew his dad. I nod, "I was with Zack." This isn't a lie, though we didn't ever date.

"I'm sorry." He said again, even though I knew it wasn't him who had anything to be sorry for.

"So we can be friends?" I ask, "I shouldn't have kissed you like that, especially when I'm not ready for anything right now, but I do like you. So is friends good for now?"

"Yeah,friends." He smiles, and visibly relaxes. I release the hem of my jacket. "Can you tell me why you kissed me though? Like was there a reason behind it, or were you just lonely?"

I let out a big puff of air and shuffle my feet. Even after talking to Janson I still didn't know how to explain it. "I dunno; there was just this feeling. It felt right at the moment." I bit my lip looking at my feet, I actually wanted to kiss him right then but I knew I couldn't do that. "Listen, I... I have to go to work, and the cab's waiting for me..." I trailed off, gesturing over my shoulder at the cab driver.

"Oh. I'm sorry I didn't realize." He said, suddenly unsure what to do with himself again. It's unbearably adorable and I can't help the grin that comes onto my face. "So, uhm... you have to go but, uh what happens next?"

I felt the grin throughout my entire body, "We hang out? Next weekend sound good?"

He grinned back, "Next weekend."

I have to pull myself away from him to go to the cab. I walk backwards from the porch and wave vigorously. He waves back and sitting in the cab I blush. The driver looks at me through the mirror and grins, but doesn't say anything. Andrew is still at the doorstep when the cabby pulls away.

Mr. Mahonie was just opening the store when I turned up. "Hello, sir." I said a little cautiously, it had been a week since my last shift and it was rare for him to be there on a Sunday morning. "It's good to see you."

He smiled at me warmly, "It's good to see you too, Mallorie. I was really worried about you after what happened Monday. How're you feeling?"

"Really good actually." I said, going behind the cash register to sign in for the shift. "Did you know my mom's getting married?"

"No, congrats to her then." He puts on a jacket. "I just came by to make sure you're okay." He sizes me up. "Think you'll be able to get through the shift okay? Carolyn said she saw you flirting with that boy who died..."

"I think I'll be okay; at least, I'll be able to get through the shift." I smile confidently, hoping he won't see how false it was. That's the second time someone has brought up Zack today, and it hurts that he hasn't revealed himself to me yet.We didn't really talk much before but he'd been really nice, and I'd thought the fact I was the only one who could see him might mean something...

I look up quickly, dropping the pen, as I realize that I need to talk to Sophie. She'll probably be really disappointed that Janson moved on so quickly, but there's nothing that can be done about that. Not to mention, I just lost my best friend ever it might be good for me to spend more time with people. It's weird think that now I have proper friendships, with proper people that others can see.

He nods, accustomed to small odd tendencies from me,and heads to the door. As a parting comment he says, "If you have to leave for any reason at all I've told Carolyn about the situation, and I've put her on call just in case you're still emotionally unstable."

I'm a little offended by this, but knowing that he had my best interest in mind, I nod and say thanks. The moment he's out of the store I want to pull out my phone and text Sophie, but decide that I can tell her on Monday that Janson's gone. Sliding my phone away and returning to professionalism

I start to stock the shelves with some new arrivals. I feel like I'm missing a part of me every time I have to go to the top shelves because I don't have Janson there with me. He's in a better place, a better place. He's happy. I repeat to myself over and over again. Taking a deep breath to calm myself I take in the comforting smell of the bookstore. It is the most soothing combination of book smell, wood, and a faint hint of smoke from the fireplace Mr. Mahonie had put in a couple years ago. It is this chant and the comfort of the smell that get me through the socialization and mental work of my job.

My shift is almost over when my mother calls me. "I'll be home in about two hours, what do you need?"  I regret my greeting when I hear her breathing. Her breath is catching and it takes her a moment to make her speak. "What's happened? Mom, why are you crying?"

"It's your father, he..." She chokes on her cries. "Alex, left a... your father's dead sweet heart."

"What?!" I scream, drawing the attention of the customers in the back of the store. I'm terrified that he actually did this, but a part of me just wants to be mad and say that it's just a cruel joke.

"It's true sweety." She says with a deep breath, gathering her composure. "He left you a note. You should come home."