Clueless Self

10/15/2019

Today was kind of depressing for me to say the least. The day started out normal like any other college student. Waking up at the last minute and rushing out the door to make it to your 8am class without a minute to spare. Everything was find and dandy. I was actually productive today if productive involved me setting up the premium student membership on Spotify and finally setting up my advising appointment for the spring 2020 semester. 

When I finished my last class of the day, I went o eat lunch with Z and Ab. Usually they have a huge entourage of friends that join soon after we get a table. This entourage includes J from before. However, today the horde of bodies did not swarm the table instead it was a nice little lunching with Ab, Z, and me. The conversation consisted of Ab self doubting herself in ways that only her could believe and Z starring off into space as usual. 

After lunch, Ab had to go get advised while Z and I went to go sit down and talk to pass the time. We talked about his business ideas mainly to fill the silence between us. After about 30 minutes of nonsense, Ab came back and we talked more. Then the entourage came up minus J. I finally thought that this was perfect, I could enjoy a peaceful talk but the Z asked where J was. One of the friends said he was with a friend. I knew exactly where he was because he said that exact same thing when he was with me. 

My mind went running for answers and emotions but the outside of my body was frozen in place. I refused to shed any emotion to them. I barely knew them first of all and secondly, I didn't want them to find out. I am without a doubt screwed. Z kept pressuring J to reveal what he was doing, but J refused to spill the tea by only replying with "with a friend."

 I was sick to my stomach. I know he isn't right for me, but I miss his presence. I miss the feeling of someone holding me, warm to the touch; running my small fingers through their hair; the feeling of being wanted; the way we fit perfectly together for the short period of time. Every time I get that feeling of loneliness, I question my decision of banishing him. 

All day today, I've been distracting myself with math and music. But when I'm not working, I feel myself starting to drift off and go right back to him. I keeping telling myself that he is not worth the trouble that I am putting my mental state in, but I cant help it. I know I'm not insane or obsessing over him, but I just have this magnetic force drawing me to him. I just need to get this out. I feel like I need to scream so someone can hear my cried for help. 

I... I just need someone who cares