Where We Belong

Crawl Back to Me

It only took about a half hour before I seriously regretted that last deicision there. So I drank it off and then waited for the show to end, I left before Julia could wake up. Time would tell how she really was, whether she would try and make things more serious between her and I or whether she would brush it off. I do think it would be low if she went back to Dan after this though.

Actually its low for me. She was a tool in my efforts to inflict pain on the man who I admired. My own motives didn't make sense as I felt a strong urge to try and prevent her from hurting him, or anyone else. Oh sick irony.

Believe it or not, I was husting back to my car, intoxicated as ever and a tall man stopped me. The one with whom I was trying to avoid in person yet savor in my memories.

"Hey Ryan," Dan whispered, regret etched into his facial features, "We need to talk."

"Oh, since things have gone downhill with your girlfriend you need to crawl back to me?" It gushed out of my mouth and burnt my lip like lava. I hate myself and this foot in mouth disease that only intensifies with Dan around.

"Excuse me? This isn't about that... and how do you know things are shaky with Julia?!" He inquired nervously.

"What else would it be about?" I asked simply. I think he assumed I was just knowledgable enough about himself and closeted men that I could tell beforehand their relationship would die. I worried Dan didn't know who I really was, that he assumed he was becoming emotionally invested with someone who knew much more about this game we played than I did.

Then I remembered what I had just done with Julia. Wow, at the time I really hadn't seen that my queen was really about to be captured by his rook. A move that wasn't worth the pawn I captured.

Why did I take such drastic measures when I should have known he would be back?! Why did I need someone who placed me second?

Dan snapped out of his deep thoughts too. "Well I... don't think I am going to be with Julia anymore. For... good."

"You didn't tell her about me... right?" I asked, but I already knew the answer. She would not have slept with me if she thought I was gay for Dan.

He shook his head. "My parents loved her. Jesus Christ Ryan, I think they thought I was going to marry her. It was two and a half years."

This had only been ongoing for what, a month or two? It sure as hell did not feel that short. "They can get over her, Dan."

He shakes his head. "I probably can faster than them."

"Oh?" I ask. And then he gives me the look.

The look that makes my insides boils, freezes, and electrifies me all at once. But no, not now, not mintues after I had just... I had to go. Guilt was throbbing in me.

For the first time in what felt like years my conscience has decided to impact my choices.

"I'll text you." I say, and I run into my car, like a frightened middle school boy, trying to swipe the stain of Dan's hurt expression from my mind, like a windshield wiper, the entire ride home.