Chapter-1

Sometimes in the middle of the night I can hear it crawling up to me. It's like I know that it's coming and I can't do anything to prevent it. I feel so helpless. In those moments I try my best to remember this feeling. The feeling that I have before it overtakes me. I always promise myself that if only I remember this, I can make it disappear. But that never seems to work. It's one of those things that I tell myself to make me feel better.

And often time there is no reason behind it. It just happens. It's like the inevitable waiting to happen. I fear those moments, the moments just before I lose it. Those moments of happiness are what I try so desperately to remember but I can't. When I wake up at night today I feel that it's coming, although I think that it has a reason this time, high school.

I start my final year of High school tomorrow and I couldn't be more scared because 1. I'm starting this final year in a new school and 2. I'm not very good at making friends. In fact I don't think I've ever had a friend. I always imagine what it feels like to have one. Wherever I went I was the awkward kid. Having dark hair, freckles on the face and a lean figure didn't help tilt the balance in my favor either. I also wasn't much of a talker and even when I did talk I said things which other people around me felt were weird. So all through my childhood up till high school the closest thing I've had to a friend is my little sister.

Ava is the exact opposite of me. She has beautiful long blonde hair which comes down to her back. She had the kind of blue eyes that remind you of the sky on a sunny summer afternoon and beautiful translucent skin. She has this grace about her every time she walked. It was hard to believe that someone so stunningly beautiful is my sister. We were nothing alike. She was the only person I had ever had a real conversation with. I wish I could talk to her now.

I try tossing and turning in my bed so I can sleep but it's no use. I switch on the screen of my mobile. 2.36 A.M. I still have about 4 hours before I even to wake up for school. I get up and walk to the bathroom navigating my way in the dark and make sure to be quiet so as to not wake my aunt who's sleeping in the next room. I wash my face and look myself in the mirror. I am disgusted by myself. I hate every part of me. The dark sunken eyes, the rough lips, the freckles, everything. Sometimes I wish I was more like Ava. I hate myself for being me. I hate myself for having this shitty mind which cannot be trusted.

I walk back to my room and grab my laptop. I want to write before I fall into the darkness. Writing is something that I enjoy. It's your feeling in the purest form. You can't write about something if you don't know how it feels. That's the beauty of it. If you read someone's writing you know they wrote it from their heart. You know it's their true feelings. It tells you more about a person than they ever could. I write because I feel if I can see my feelings on paper, if I can visualize those feelings then maybe I'll not do anything stupid. But all of that goes out the window once you can't control your mindset. Still it has now become something that I do for fun.

My laptop is about 3, 4 years old. It's huge and blocky and weighs a lot. It has a slide to open lock and more often than not it jams while sliding. It has scratches all over its body and even on the screen. Although given all that I still have kept pretty good care of it, given how I received it. My laptop has the keys V, B and W missing from it. It was that way ever since I received it. I never tried to repair those keys because it just adds more challenge to what I'm writing. It forces me to think of other words. I start writing

August 14, 2016

It's been some time since I had been okay. I like to think that all the time I'm spending acting like I'm okay I'm playing a facade. Each passing day feels like an eternity and each day I spend alive feels like pain and torture. Do I really deserve this? Do I need to go through it? I ask these questions to myself every day and this keeps me sane. I am tired of dragging my life around rather than living it. However, I think it's helpful to all around me if I keep it to myself. It acts as a testament that that I am not okay. I will always have conceptions that are mostly kept confidential with me and that is something which will never change. I'm not ready to go back to school. There are too many people and too many sounds. I won't know who is real and who isn't. It's disastrous enough that I hate myself. I don't need other people to tell me the same. I just hope I can keep myself sane during school time.

I close the laptop and place it back down. I look out my window and the street is eerily quiet. The silence is deafening. I try to concentrate on the flickering lamps outside on the street. The moon isn't visible tonight and the only light out there is from the lamps. I try to imagine myself in place of the flickering lamp. Going on and off again, not staying stable. I feel this urge to go out and fix that lamp.

I close my eyes and try to listen to anything, anything but the voices in my head. I hate them. I don't like hearing them, not one bit. The problem however is that you can't run from yourself. No matter how hard I try it's always in there in my mind. I feel my mind going under. I feel it getting heavier by each passing second. I sit on the bed with my head in between my legs. I press hard on it. I sit there for what feels like eternity. I feel like if I could press hard enough then all of this will just end. I feel it getting closer. I feel my strength fading away. I must hold on. I press harder. How much time has passed? Has it been hours? Is it time to get ready for school? I don't dare look up.

When I feel like I can't press anymore I get up. I feel weak, like someone has just drained all the energy out my body. I don't have the strength to get out of this bed. I feel this energy bouncing inside my body but my body is just too tried to do anything about it. I don't know how to bring it out. I get up and make my way to the bathroom. I open the cabinet and take out a blade. I keep my blades hidden away. My aunt doesn't allow me to have blades because she knows that I'm a high risk. I've made so many promises to so many people that I won't do anything stupid but I can't stop. I don't think that they get it that it's not that easy to stop. "Why would you want to hurt yourself? What do you gain by it? Think about yourself" I want to run away from all of this. I've always just looked down when they ask me such questions. Not because I don't have the answers to them, but because the answers are not fathomable to anyone other than me.

I take the blade and pull my full t shirt. I always wear full t shirt so that no one can see my scars. It's not that I'm ashamed of them. It's everyone else that I know who is. They don't like it when my scars are showing. They say that it leaves a bad impression about me, like I care. But I was not going to sit around and argue with them about it. So long sleeve t shirts have become my staple look.

I put the blade on my wrist. I can sense the cold metal of the blade on my body. I keep it there for a second just trying to calm myself. Maybe I won't need to cut myself. Maybe this is as far as I will get. But I know it better than anyone else that it won't. I press the blade and it sinks into my skin. At first I don't feel anything. Then it stings and I can feel something oozing out. I know what it is so I don't look down. I press it down a little deeper and it stings more. Then I move it right across my wrist in a quick motion. A sting of pain courses through my body and I put the blade down. I look down and I can see the blood oozing out of my cut. I feel it as it trickles down my wrist and into the skin slowly. I stand still for a moment just feeling the pain on my wrist. I sense the internal energy dying down. I feel it dripping down along with the blood.

I wash my hands and I pull my sleeve down. Maybe I didn't have to do that but I didn't have any other choice. There is pain inside of me that I want to get out and I don't know any other way to let it out. It might not be the best of methods but it's the only one I know. I collapse on my bed and close my eyes. I wish I didn't have to leave my bed today. I wish I never had to leave my house. Getting through the day in this state of mind is hard enough, but vetting through high school with this is going to be hell. One this is for sure today is not going to be a good day.