Chapter-1

Chapter-3

By the end of the day one thing is for sure. I am not cut up to attend school. Actually scratch that, I’m not cut up to live in this world. I need to escape this. And there is only one way that I know is going to work for sure, death. It seems like the only option and it just might be. I’m tired of living like this. So I decide that I am going to do it. The when and how are still unknown, but it are won’t take much time in deciding that. The when is as soon as possible and the how, is as quick as possible. I don’t want it to drag out and end up with regret and pain if it fails by any chance.

After school as I enter the car aunt Cynthia has a big smile on her face. I hate seeing her like this, I hate that she think both of her niece are normal and happy. None of us is and she doesn’t deserve this. She has done everything a mother would do for us and I feel bad that I turned out like this. I feel like I’m disappointing her but in the long run it is better for everyone.

“So how was the first day you?” she asks as I enter the car. Ava is already sitting there staring out the window, her head towards me. “It was okay, nothing special in particular. It was just school” I say not wanting to drag the conversation on any longer.

“Did you make any new friends?” she asks not getting the hint.

“Not really, but it won’t be long before I do” I say with the cheesiest smile on my face. I wouldn’t believe me if I saw that smile but for some reason Aunty Cynthia is glad. “Good, that’s really good” she says and pulls out of the parking lot. The drive back is quiet and normal. Aunt Cynthia was telling us about what she did and sometimes I would say “Yes” and “Okay” just so she would think that I’m listening.

In my room afterwards I contemplate my decision. It is the only right thing to do, I can’t escape this. I’ve tried countless times. I think about what my Aunt Cynthia would think, what Av would think, what my mom would have thought. My mom. I wish she was here with me right now. I could talk to her about what I’m feeling and she would hold me in her arms and tell me that it’s okay, that it’s all right and everything will be fine. I miss the warmth of her embrace; I miss the softness of her voice. When she spoke it was as if honey dripped from her mouth. Even when she scolded us she couldn’t use a stern tone. That’s just who she was. I need to see her. I need to talk to her before I make any decision. She won’t answer but she will definitely listen and that’s what I need right now.

As I slip on the slippers and open the door Aunt Cynthia calls from the kitchen “Are you going out with Ava too?” she asks. I didn’t know Ava had gone out, but then again why would she tell me. I wonder where she went. “Umm.. No I’m going out for a walk. Trying to get my mind fresh”

“Okay be back before Dinner”

“Sure” I say any walk out the door. After my Mom’s death she was buried right here in Brookston. There is only one cemetery here and it’s not that far away from where we live. As I’m walking down the street I try to remember the words of that girl in the toilet “You’re going to see hell here”. I wonder if she knows what hell really is. I wonder if anyone knows. I don’t know myself either but if it’s anything like what happens to me then I’m already experiencing it at its worse and there is nothing that she can do to worsen it. I don’t care one bit about that girl, I’m not afraid of what she might do. I don’t need friends so I don’t care if anyone talks to me or not. All I care about is getting out of this abyss.

It’s a particularly cold day and I see couples walking hand in hand with mittens on. I wonder what it’s like to be able to touch a person without getting scared. How good that might feel, their soft, warm skin against yours, when you don’t have to worry that they might do something which you don’t want. How secure one must feel. I don’t let anyone touch me and I don’t think I ever will. He has scarred me for life.