a ghost's memoirs

二

dear diary,

i've never felt such self hatred before. my family is extremely bipolar and treats me as if i'm just a simple puppet, whose strings can just be pulled anytime.

today, one of my family members continues to insult me, and repeat it in a cycle as if to embed the words into my head.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry, ok? sorry that i'm not as pretty as i should be. sorry that i cant adhere to your standards. sorry that i such a disappointment to you.

she insulted my face, my hair, my body. she called me fat, said i wasn't good enough in school. my mother chooses to defend her, with the words, "talk back and i'll smack you."

my mother always says to her friends that she doesn't mind if i don't ace school, as long as i become successful. what a fucking joke. i get a few B's in my report card, and she taunts me and still brings it up almost 5 months later. i bring home a good test score back, and she just insults me and asks why i cant do better.

ha, she even asks why i have attitude problems. i think i used to, i admit. but now, i've reduced it to simply shutting my eyes for a few seconds - it works. she still says that i'm disrespectful and that i don't deserve to have a social life with my friends. damn, i must've inherited it from her.

i know this sounds super cringy, but i'm crying as i write this. i feel a bit better now, but the tears won't stop falling down my face. i cant breathe.

please, save me.

signing out, her.