a ghost's memoirs

三

dear diary,

why can't i stop the emotions inside of me? why can't they just go to sleep? i don't think my mindset is improving. i know it's so wrong to think so lowly of my life. why can't i be grateful for what i have?

my friends think i'm always the strong one, the one who is always ok. they're too busy dealing with their own issues anyway to even care.

music, especially listening to BTS soothes my soul. it brings me to the worlds i would've have never dreamed of. but my parents don't believe in mental illness. i think if i could just get lost in the music, life wouldn't be too bad.

i really want to die, seriously. i regret it now, but i have cut myself a couple times. tch, cutting doesn't even help. fuck those romanticised stories about self harm. i want the real deal.

i don't have exactly the guts to end myself right here, but what good am i even doing for the world? nothing useful, that's for sure. i kinda wish i could be in some kind of freak accident right now, so like i have a quick death. boom, finito.

i've thought about other specific ways, but i can't possibly get my hands on the proper items. so i guess i have to rot alive, in my puddle of failure. my parents don't even understand, they're so harsh and believe that their way is right.

i present logical arguments and they think i'm trying to rebel. it's no use, maybe i should die.

signing out, her.