Family Guy, The Item

I woke up at 1:43 am and wrote this on February 12th of 2019. It took me less than 3 hours.

The Item, a Family Guy episode written by Aaron Dennis of StoriesbyDennis.com.

Feel free, Fox TV, to adapt as much of it as you like.

Enjoy The Item

Peter is driving a little cart in a mall during closing hour. He's driving some old woman through a lingerie store towards the exit. It looks like maybe she works there.

Peter: Night, Beatrice.

Beatrice: Good night, Peter.

She steps off the cart at the glass door. Peter opens it, knocks her out with one punch, and pushes her out the door with his foot.

Cut to Brian who is looking at a corpse in a Brookstone. There are lots of recliners.

Brian thinks: Man, I haven't seen Peter kill anyone in forever.

Cut scene to 45 minutes earlier when Peter stabs a teenage girl who was taking a picture with her cell phone. He grabs the phone and runs off screen.

Back to Brian rifling through the corpse's inner jacket pocket. You see he is looking at an item in his hand, but you don't see the item. He pockets it. Brian is then walking up an escalator, which is off. Before he reaches the top, Peter rolls up in the cart and begins to drive it down the escalator. Brian flips out but manages to hop into the cart unharmed.

Peter: Hold your horses. Hold your horses. Hold your horses.

They barely make it to the bottom of the escalator, gingerly reach the doors, and then Peter floors it through the glass doors.

Mall parking lot.

Peter: Where does the saying hold your horses come from?

Brian: It's from the past, when people stopped and held their horses.

Cut scene to 50 minutes earlier. The teenage girl has her phone out and is telling Peter and Brian to hold their horses.

Peter: God, you're beautiful.

He and the horse are hugging and staring lovingly into each others' eyes. Peter can't help but to kiss the horse. The horse kisses back. Peter flips out because the girl is still taking pictures, so he kills her and takes her phone.

Mall parking lot.

Peter: Did you find it?

Brian: It was in the Brookstone manager's pocket. How did you manage to miss it?

Peter shrugs.

Show opens. Peter and Brian are inspecting the item in the kitchen, but you still don't get to see it when Lois walks in.

Lois: What're you two up to? You've been acting weird all evening.

Peter: Nuh-uh, you're the one who is actin' all weird.

Lois sighs: You're acting even goofier than when you were possessed by the ghost of Dr. Mengele.

Cut scene to Peter in an SS outfit sewing Meg and Chris back to back.

Brian is standing by plucking petals off a daisy, saying: I love you. I love you not. I love you. I love you not.

Chris: Ow! Dad! Please, stop it. I'm supposed to be watching my educational program!

Meg: Yeah, get off of us, you fuck tard!

Peter finishes sewing them and runs off. Chris shuffles over to a remote and presses the button. You hear porn sounds. He looks happy. Meg looks despondent.