Why can't I calm down? I asked myself as I sat on the edge of my bed hugging myself. I can't be doing this right now, I have things I need to do and my girls will be home soon. I hate it, I hate this anxiety. Standing up I walked to my bedroom window and pulled back the curtain. Looking out I saw the little park the apartment complex provided for tenant use. Okay, focus on those swings rocking in the breeze. Loosen the jaw now, good, good. See we can get through this. We CAN do this. We can live a good life and survive. Everyone makes mistakes and we just have to keep moving forward. But, what if we fail? What will the girls think? I'm setting a horrible example with a broken marriage, these stupid apartments where we can't even have the animals we love, the dang minimum wage job that hardly even gets us through week to week. I felt my jaw tightening back up and moved away from the window. Hearing the girls chattering down the walk way I couldn't help but smile through everything. These two made everything better even when everything was coming apart inside. Relaxing my jaw once again I headed to greet them at the front door and got there just as it opened.
"Hey mom, guess what?" Katy halfway yelled as she came in. Quickly followed by Lily the oldest.
"I get to tell her." Lily argued as she pushed forward.
"What is it girls? " I asked as I gave them both a quick squeeze before leading them to the kitchen.
"I got chose to be carnival queen this year at the school carnival!" Lily said blue eyes sparkling with excitement. "It's formal though and I really hope we can get me a pretty dress and shoes. Please say we can, please, please, please. Cause I can't do it if we can't and I really want to."
Katy was watching me and must have seen my jaw tense up in the rush of panic at once again letting them down.
"We probably can't afford it, we had to just get you new tennis shoes remember?" Plus mom has to make the truck payment." Katy tried to gently remind her sister and warn her at the same time.
"Nonsense," I said watching her face crumble at the thought she wouldn't be queen." I will figure something out." I turned to the door of the refrigerator where I had the school calendar. Carnival was in three weeks, end of the month. Surely I could pull this off. I opened the fridge door and pulled out the juice and grabbed the snack bowl I kept in there.
"Let's eat these snacks and get whatever homework there is out of the way. I need a fun relaxing night and I'm thinking movies with dinner." Inside though my brain was trying to come up with ways to get this outfit we'd need to come up with. I really didn't want to turn to my parents again. The girls chatted away about friends at school and how their 'mortal enemy' was going to eat her heart out with Lily being queen and how beautiful she'd be in the dress they were already imagining. I made the appropriate noises at the appropriate times and warned them when they'd get too catty. Maybe I could sell some of the movies we didn't watch or some more clothes. Enough, let's enjoy the moment I said and then made myself focus fully on the girls and their recounting of their days.
