My Cure For Perpetual Sadness (Phan)

Prologue

Dan was perpetually sad. Sad because he had no one, because his life was a mess - had crumbled around him. He was gay. And his parents would never forgive him of that sin, and his friends would never forgive him of that sin, and he would never forgive himself of that sin. 

Phil was sad too, but less so. Not perpetually sad - just sad. He had friends, and even viewers from his YouTube channel, he just doubted it amounted to anything. But one day, one of Phil's internet friends - Dan - messaged him saying how he wanted to meet him, changing everything. 

They grow together - eliminating the sadness, well Phil's sadness. Dan finds himself stricken with the fact he will eventually spiral - and starts to drift from Phil. 

Will they ever cure themselves completly? 

~

Dan

I found myself in a dilemma. Do I tell them, knowing full well they would hate my guts before I even uttered the first words - they'd just know. I think they've always known, everyday of my worthless life they've known. But they repressed it, never brought it up, in fear that it was true - even if those feelings were deep down at the time - never brought it up in case it would make them bubble to the surface. 

Did I really have to tell them? Couldn't I keep this for myself? Was I lying if I didn't? 

I've always thought of myself as a good person - abiding by people, standing up for people, being true to people, helping people. Keeping secrets. 

So was I really a good person?

Did that one negative outweigh the positives. Were those positives only reconciliation for my surely bad nature. 

Do I tell me parents that I'm gay?

Do I?

Wouldn't they love me still. I doubt it, but surely they could overlook that one fact. It wasn't a bad thing, I didn't choose it for myself - for it's a part of me. A part not good, nor bad. Just a chunk of my personality and soul - a piece in my jigsaw. 

Would they not want that jigsaw completed? Surely everyone would - to know the full picture - even if you know the rest of the image and really that one piece does not make a difference. You would still want it, just so you would know. Just so you would know the whole picture. 

But my parents seemed perfectly adequate with the mess they had. As if knowing on that one jigsaw piece - was a bomb, a gun, a reason to never complete the jigsaw. 

"Mum, Dad. I'm gay." I would admit it, shamefully, and they would absorb it and spit it out. Squishing it with their hard-soled boots and covering it with dust. Then walk on like nothing ever happened. Straight- faced, straight ahead, with their straight son. 

I sat on the floor of my bedroom, my hands tangled in the furry, grey rug. I didn't dare glance at the bag of razors I had picked up earlier - regretting my earlier instincts. Instead I just dragged the pad of my finger over old scars - and decided to leave it at that. I breathed in deeply. My head was a wrecked canvas

If only there was an eraser for paint. 

If only there was a cure for my perpetual sadness. 

~

A/N: Hello! 

It's Cat here! (cat_scomiche) I just finished writing this prologue and thought I'd get it up.

So, me and Claire (allysbuddy) have started to write this, which is very exciting! I will be writing as Dan - and Claire as Phil. We really don't know how long this story will be, but we hope you enjoy it. Writing together is new to both of us, but hopefully it will go down well with the rest of you.

Goodbye,

Us.