Winged Without A Choice

Some unknown time ago...

Now, I know what you are thinking, but before my parents died, my life wasn't all that, well, pathetic:

(past tense)

All my life I believed that I would never find anything interesting, or rather, no one would ever find anything interesting about me. These thoughts especially floated about the empty space in my heart whenever I would hear the neighbourhood kids scream, shout or laugh outside. As the only child, I was overprotected. I never went over to my friends whenever I wanted. In fact, it was unheard of for me to even step into the next-door neighbour's house without my parents' go-ahead. I also couldn't go to my friend's house for a sleepover. It's not unusual, that kind of thing happens a lot here. Everyone's skeptical about everyone. Its not that we have trust issues with each other...actually, its exactly that, only they play it inwardly, sharing plastic, stretched smiles and pretending that everything is OK and they could be friends when actually, if it were allowed, the purge would have ended as fast as it would have started.

Most of my time was spent indoors reading manga, watching K-dramas or learning new dance moves, which I honestly couldn't do to save my life, and when it got bad, I'd unearth the almost-never-used vacuum cleaner and clean up as much dog fur as I could, around the house. Trust me when I say it was the best distraction, that dog could shed her whole coat but not show a single sign of balding. It annoyed me, for a while, but when I thought of the suffocating loneliness I would be suffering if she went, I didn't have a choice but to think twice. And I mean what I said.

On one Friday, I had become extremely agitated with my lack of an existing romance that nothing, not even vacuuming, could take my mind off it. Countless times I held a conversation in my head about dropping the movies and books. They all went something like:

"These things really make me sad and lonely the more I indulge in them. I should really stop this time"

Then about an hour later, after scrolling through sci-fi movies and flipping through fiction novels I would ask myself one of the dumbest questions ever:

"How the heck does someone sit through a whole movie or book that does not have even one romance scene? I can't live with this!"

And of course, I went back to the same novels and dramas I had just sworn never to look at again. I guess we really do want the very things we cannot get.

The thing is, growing up with superstitious parents, can be one hell of a lifetime. This in turn, also causes you to be superstitious. I didn't have, or want, a love life for various reasons:

Committing to one person is like eating one type of food for your whole life...

The likelihood of being offered as a blood sacrifice can be a potential crisis...

My parents are another problem...

If you ever hook up with the person who was not destined to be with you, things could end up taking a wrong turn...

Dating at such a young age is considered a taboo...you will end up with children who look like animals...

If I don't see the light of day while I'm at home, what will make me leave the house now?

If I went on a date, or happened to get a boyfriend, he wouldn't match up to the 100 husbandos I have from all the manga I read...

Before I even continue, my self esteem in itself was below average, if it isn't already worse now, and the fact that my brain decides when it will malfunction, didn't really add up to the 'girlfriend-of-the-year' standard. I wouldn't have wanted to be the one to stand with my mouth wide open and drooling, uttering gibberish in-front of my so called...boyfriend...