The Arch of Love ~ Paul McCartney

11. Touch my heart

Notting Hill, 20 March '67, 6:47 AM

After my talk with nurse Foster yesterday, I had made my way back home, my head filled with doubts. It had already been a draining day and my conversation with Grace hadn't made it better. She was a really chatty girl and she hadn't actually said anything that could hurt me. She had actually said she would do the same. So why did it make me feel these doubts?

Why was I doubting myself now? I was all in whenever I was with Paul. I had never had any doubts when I was with him. He had called me shortly after I had come home to ask if he could nip over before going to the studio. Now that his girlfriend was back in town, we couldn't stay at each other's places anymore. I couldn't even go to his house, but he could come to my flat.

Yesterday, however, had left doubts. It was such a quick shag that it had almost felt mechanical. Like we were going through the motions because it was what we were supposed to do. We had an affair and thus we were supposed to meet up every now and then to sleep with each other.

I couldn't deny that it had felt amazing. It always did. Whenever you slept with Paul, he made sure you felt like you were the only girl in the world. But it was such a quick shag-and-go that I didn't even know why I was doing it in the first place. After he had left, I had barely closed an eye. The doubts had been swimming around my mind and found a place in the spot in my bed Paul had just vacated.

'Is Paul coming over again tonight?' Fran asked as she poured herself a bowl of cereal.

'I don't know yet. He might, for a bit, but we don't have any plans. He'll call first,' I answered as I swirled my cereal around in the bowl, without actually taking a bite. I couldn't call Paul at his place as his girlfriend might pick up and I wouldn't even know what to say if that would happen. But Paul could and did call over here. The difference was that Fran knew what was going on.

She didn't answer for a while, but just kept eating, until she suddenly looked at me again. 'You want to get married one day, don't you Archie?'

I looked at her funnily. Where was this coming from? 'Of course I do. Is that even a question?' I answered, truthfully.

'And what about when? All of your siblings are already married?' she pushed further. What was this, twenty questions?

'Maggie isn't. And she's older,' I fired back. Where was Fran going with this? It was strange. Was she really pressuring me to get married? I got enough of that from Ma. We didn't all want to marry at eighteen. It wasn't the forties anymore!

'Maggie is also in a relationship,' Fran pointed out the obvious fact that my sister, older by just over a year, was in a committed relationship. It was only a matter of time before I was the only one of the Murray kids to be single. I knew this. She didn't have to point it out to me.

'So? What are you on about?' I asked, now getting a bit annoyed.

'You're twenty-four, Archie. Don't you think it's about time you find someone to settle down with? You know I'm not going to live with you forever?' she asked.

I sighed. 'Of course I know that, Fran. I've just not found the right person yet,' I explained. Honestly, I shouldn't even have to explain this to her.

'You aren't even looking. You're always with him,' she fired back. Honestly, this again? I had heard that so many times already. Why couldn't she just be happy for me? I was enjoying myself. For the first time in years I had actually found someone that made me feel something instead of just existing.

'What's wrong with that? I like spending time with him,' I explained, not looking at her. I was getting so fed up with these comments, every time we sat down for dinner together, she always had to talk about it. It was driving me crazy.