I was ice cold.
Spring has come. The cherry blossoms have began to turn white. And yet, the wind howled, the skies were gloomy, and the air that touched my skin made me shiver up to the bottom of my spine. My back arched, the cold hurting me. I was not prepared for this weather, the thin material of my dress providing the least amount of comfort. Why did it it reach close to freezing temperature when it was already spring time?
How funny. It was exactly as I felt during the crossroads of my life. Spring was season of plants booming, of giving birth, of a new life. I recently turned 25, a quarter of my life has passed. Yet why did it feel as if I was still stuck in this new life, this new season? I was still in the winter cold of my 24th year of existence, the saddest year of my life, the darkest, most depressing moments I've ever lived.
So I cried as I hugged myself. I teared up as I provided myself with warmth, looking at the flowing water of Gumbeong River. The waters looked cold. Should I jump? Wait, what am I even thinking like this? No. Don't jump Taeyeon. If you jump, you're not just killing yourself. Then I remembered why I was even here in a military base, five hours away from Seoul. I cried harder, because I realized why I escaped my schedule and drove down to the suburbs -- to find comfort from the cold that has enveloped me. I had been sad for too long. Hurt for too long. Afraid for too long. Then here I was, hoping to end my misery. Because today, I quested to find answers. To seek help. To beg for the pain to stop. I just needed one answer, and all the loneliness and fear that have long since took command of me would disappear.
The sun was setting. It was now 5:03pm, and I saw the reflection of the pink skies and scarlet sun on the water. I suddenly heard voices, laughters, and looking back I saw approaching men. Soldiers. They were running around the block, laughing and talking to each other as they approached my spot. I tightened the hoodie surrounding my face, afraid to be recognized. Finally, they were gone.
Where are you? Please come. I need to see you. I need to talk to you. I miss you. I love you. I heard my pathetic expressions, I shook my head and then wiped my tears. Even after all the months have gone by, I was still holding on the thinnest shred of hope. For what? A lot of things. To go back to how it was before. To be happy again. To be loved again. To be full again. To be with him again.
"Taeyeon?"
That voice. The way my name was called. Suddenly, my stomach lurched, hurting me even more than the unexpected cold did. I quickly turned around, and when my eyes landed on his bare face, I sobbed. Pathetically. Helplessly. Painfully.
"Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?" I heard him nervously ask, then the next thing I felt was his warmth. Finally. He was owning me like he always did back then. "Come here. What's wrong?"
"I don't know what to do. I'm... lost... take me away, oppa. Take me away," I cried out. Again, pathetically. I was tearing up so badly, and though against my pride, I embraced him too. So tightly. So clingy.
"What happened? What's going on?" he asked with a new tone of panic. He was caressing my back, and I found that I just buried myself even deeper in his chest. He smelled like a man, like a soldier, like the love of my life.
"I know we said we'll figure everything out when you come back... I know it's only a few months from now... I know we're not together anymore... and that you might not want to go back--"
