The Way he Bites...

Part 2: Our End

6 YEARS LATER:

I woke up to the baby kicking; a few more weeks to go. However, immediately, I felt the idiot inside me squeezing my bladder. I hobbled over to the bathroom. It devastated me that I couldn't look down and see between my legs anymore because there was a baby inside of my belly. I started to cry and EdwARD SLAMMED ON THE DOOR so I stopped. I calmed down and started pushing. At first, my wee was shy, but like always it came out eventually. Because this was a morning wee it lasted much longer than usual, so I was there for a solid half an hour just emptying my bladder. When I finally thought I was done, I realised that I had the pregnancy shits. They're basically like weeing out of your bum. I started letting that stream flow out of my like a freshwater river, but suddenly I felt a little hand poking around my downstairs. Unable to see, I fished around until I felt this idiot baby and I shoved it back inside me. It was only as I reached for toilet roll that I realised that I had shat all over my hands. At one point in my life I might have panicked at seeing this, but today I didn't care. I waltzed out of that bathroom practically covered in shit.

Edward was a wreck, he hadn't had any fresh period blood in eight months and I told him that if he went to anybody else to get it then it counted as cheating. He poured himself a bowl of menstruation flakes and poured some defrosted period blood onto them (we froze extra blood ready for when I got preggers again). We had a child now, Period, named after what brought his parents together, and he was about to have a little sister, Period Sex, named after how both children were concieved. Our first child, Flakey, was miscarried but Edward said the taste was almost as developed as any normal period. I joined him in the kitchen.

"Look at you you fat bitch" he said, spitting. Much like in our first pregnancy, he had wanted to take up drink, but he obviously couldn't drink alcohol so he had me drink and donate my blood to him occasionally when he truly felt he couldn't take it anymore.

"Did you take Period to school?" I asked. He stood up and ran towards me very quickly and slapped me across the face.

"He doesn't go to school yet you fucking moron. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh."

"Edward what did we say about learning copypastas off the internet and then saying them back to me?"

He slapped me again for questioning his authority. He then recited the following copypasta to exert his power over me and prove how dominant he is: "I fucking hate Stuart Little. I know what you're thinking, this is some kind of funny joke, but no. Stuart Little is a piece of shit. A damn rat got picked over actual children at an orphanage and he's supposed to be a hero? And I can't even tell you how many damn times I've seen a great parking space only to turn the corner and realise Stuart Little is already parked there in his stupid little fucking convertible. He took my wife and the kids and my house and my job. I swear to fucking god, I'm going to kill myself and take that goddamn rodent to hell with me. Stuart Little has ruined my family. Last summer, I approached the miserable mouse in the street, and asked him for his autograph, because my son is a huge fan. The fucking rat gave me the autograph and told me to burn in hell. Later, when I gave my son the autograph he started crying and said he hated me. Turns out the mousefucker didn't write his autograph, no, he wrote "you're a piece of shit, and I fucked your mom". I'm now divorced, and planning a huge class-action lawsuit against the white devil that ruined my life. Your time is almost over, Stuart. All the people you've wronged will rise against you."

The stress of hearing this would usually trigger my period but I was pregnant so instead it sent me into labour. We rushed to the vampire hospital and I birthed out Period Sex. He shoved the doctor out of the way after the baby was born and yanked out my placenta, gobbling the whole thing up before the doctor could even say "it's a girl!"

I held our baby in my arms and he lay next to me in the bed. "I love you, Bella," he said, smiling and proud.

"I love you too," I beamed.

THE END