I can't get over you

I was free

Rayna pov

Today was my wedding day we have been planning for months
I should be excited right , I should be estastic that I'm getting married
But yet the feeling just isn't quite their
I mean I love luke I do but am I in love with him
Do I love him enough to get married to him to spend the rest of my life with him
Cause yeah he is great and he treats me well
But I never have the urge when he is talking to just grab him and kiss him
I actually don't often even want to grab him and kiss him

I don't get butterflies when he walks in the room
Sex it's good but it's never amazing

And of course here is my mind wandering to deacon and how I feel most of them things with him

But I can't compare them it's not fair

So now I stand in this beautiful wedding dress
The girls were looking great in their dresses
Tandy was looking great
Bucky was standing there about to walk me down the aisle

And I was about to walk down the aisle and marry this man

But I can't , i can't put myself in another marriage like what I had with teddy
With it ending in divorce I can't do it

I have to leave I can't do this

I turn away from the doors towards the back door of the church

" I can't do this y'all I can't do it
I won't do it , I have to leave I need to go

Tell him I'm sorry I have to go " I say

" rayna don't do it , stop being scared"

" I'm not scared tandy this is the first decision I have made in a long time that I am not scared off
This isn't my life having people follow me around everywhere with cameras
My life is splattered everywhere and that's not me
I have to go " I say

I turn towards the back door and I just leave

Their was my car parked just there

I climbed in and drove away
I was driving towards my house and for the first time in a long time
I felt free
I had no big decisions or choices going on
I had no big commitments going on
I was free
Yeah there was guilt weighing me down a lot of guilt but I need to be by myself

Me and my girls that's all I needed what was the big deal about having a man in your life
I don't need one but I will miss sex really miss sex
I haven't had it in ages because we were meant to be saving it up for the honeymoon

I swear if it was deacon we would probably be having sex right up to the moment before I have to walk down the aisle
But it's not deacon because I turned him down and I broke his heart he doesn't deserve me he deserves ten times better
All I do is break his heart and now it is time to let him go and move on with his life
Without me always dragging him back and into the past

I drove home and when I got out of the car
I just sat On the front step of the door
Just thinking but then I heard gasoline and matches being full blown as a car entered my drive way and I knew who it was

I looked up and saw sadie driving up next to the steps
In her station wagon

She stopped the car and climbed out

She walked over and sat down next to me

We just sat there in silence for a long time until I spoke
" I know I'm a coward " I say

" no no I thought it was kinda bad ass actually " she says

I laugh turning my head to look at her

" how can you even think that I just left him at the alter but I just couldn't do it
You know I felt so free just driving away
It was just me and it felt so good
And I've missed it you know
I have missed being me being free and being just me and the girls I have missed it and I realised if I walk down that aisle and marry that man I'm never gonna be myself or free Again and that I was gonna lose my girls I haven't seen one of them smile since this whole engagement never once and that just breaks my heart

I just couldn't do it " I say

She puts her arm around me and i Lean my head on her shoulder

" I don't know what to say I'm not superwoman like you and I haven't been close to you for very long
But what I can say is that I have my station wagon and it seems like a good day for me to abduct rayna Jaymes what do Ya say " she says

I laugh moving my head off her shoulder and wiping away the mascara tears

" I think I need to get changed if I'm going to be abducted " I say

Standing up and walking inside the house

I looked outside and she was just standing there

" cmon in then I figured you would just walk in " I say

She walks in the house and her jaw drops

" OH MY GOD this house is amazing and it is huge " she exclaims

I laugh
" just have a seat , get comfy I don't know do whatever you want I'm just gonna go get changed " I say

Running up the stairs to get changed

20 mins later I run down in jeans and a t shirt it took me forever to get the dress of and to hang it up

When I walk down the stairs sadie
Was holding the box of deacons stuff that I was about to get rid off

I can't blame her it was a big box sitting in my living room floor

" im sorry it was just sitting there I didn't open it
But just what is it " she asks

" it's umm its a box of all of deacons stuff I was gonna throw it away but I just couldn't get the courage and some of his stuff
Is still upstairs just like his old bluebird t shirt that basically became mine and I sleep in it all the time so nobody has really noticed " I say

" no way this is a box full of deacon claybourne stuff from when you guys were together " she says in disbelief I nod
I walk over and sit down next to her
I open the box lid
And take out the first thing in it
The postcard from Mexico original copy
She holds it staring at it in pure awe

" this was one of my favourites " she says

" mines too " I say sadly
" I always sang better with him there
I can admit that it's not like I'm saying I'm gonna go run into the sunset with him
I mean he deserves better than me and I just broke Lukes heart not sure I could break deacons again

And anyway I need to be by myself " I say

She nods and goes through the box

She pulls out