It's easier to be with someone you can't love than to admit you love someone you can't have. I have been in love with someone I can't have for months now. There is nothing I want more than to be able to tell her how I've always felt, but I know it will only make things worse.
Love is a funny thing. It can be one of the greatest feelings and at the same time it can be one of the most painful experiences of your life. I've never been much of a loving person. I class myself as more of an outsider, an outcast, I've never been good at expressing my emotions, which is completely typical that the first time I feel like I'm in love is with someone I can never call mine. I've tried to convince myself it's just a crush and it will eventually pass, but that's a lie. She's always on my mind, no matter where I am or who I'm with. In the back of my mind it's all about her. It gets difficult to hide from people sometimes, if someone says her name I swear my heart skips a beat. When I see her my mind loses control. She draws me in with everything about her. Her scent, her voice, her appearance, her smile, her eyes, her lips, her everything. When I hear her laugh in that moment I never want it to stop, I could listen to it forever and never get tired of it.
We are really close friends, we spent most days together and the minute she would leave I would hate it. I always wanted to tell her how I felt in hope she would feel the same but I didn't want to lose our friendship, it meant the world to me. I remember one night we were both intoxicated and we just stared at eachother eyes, but someone walked in the room and then we stopped, never to do it again. Things like that would make me feel that she did have some sort of feelings for me like, the drunken night, we would also play fight a lot and take random walks together and talk about life but then other days we would feel so distant to each other that I decided I wouldn't ever tell her the truth. We're not so close anymore but it's still not a good idea to say anything. I can't tell you the amount of times I've almost cried at night wishing she could be mine and I could be hers, but the sad truth is, she never will be mine.
I've seen her in many relationships over the years and they never end well and she always seems to get hurt and it breaks my heart. She deserves to be happy and feel loved and I can give that to her, I could give her the life she's always dreamt of, but I still haven't got the guts to reveal myself just incase she doesn't see me the way I see her anymore.
I wish I knew how to get over her. Why is getting over someone so damn hard? You think for a minute that you're making progress, but the minute I see her face it all comes rushing back to you. It hurts. It really hurts for me to see her with her new girlfriend. She seems happy at this present time, so as long as she stays happy, that's good enough for me. I wish her a lifetime of happiness. I hope she gets the life she deserves, that's all I ask for.
