Three Dumb Guys

//chapter:four// jonas

"Are you fucking kidding me!" I spat into my phone as I made my way to the park, a rolled up blanket under my arm.

       Mark knew I hated this park ever since some homeless man and woman stole my groceries when I was walking past. They even took Oliver's tofu, like what the fuck!? Nobody in their right minds would willingly take that! So everyone in this area MUST have something wrong with them.

I heard Mark snicker. "What's wrong, Jonny?" He purred, just adding fuel to my fire of rage. "Are you scared? Worrying that a hobo might try to cuddle with you tonight?"

I scowled to myself. "No." I hissed. Even though I was kind of scared that a homeless man might try to find a nice and cozy home in my butthole. "I'm not scared. But this prank is so fucked up! What if a cop finds me? What if I get some kind of weird illness?"

"Hobo illness?" Mark suggested. I could tell he was grinning just from the sound of his voice. This just pissed me off even more. I'd love to fill that shit-eating grin with actual shit.

"Mark!" I bellowed, any patience I had left quickly bubbling away. "I swear to god, I'll come through this phone and shove my foot so far up your ass..."

You know, I'm starting to think we are a little too old to be playing such childish games. Oliver was totally right! We're practically adults! Why are we doing these stupid things anymore?

I was about to suggest these thoughts to my fellow fellas when Mark quickly said his goodbyes, almost like he knew what I was about to say, and left me alone in the park for the night.

As quietly as I could, I made my way to a near by bench. This particular bench wasn't too far away from the apartments that I couldn't see them, but it also wasn't too close that any psyco killer strolling by wouldn't be able to see me sleeping. In other words, this bench was the shit.

I was careful to make sure that my footsteps weren't too loud or heavy because I did not want to wake some sleeping hobo and be eaten alive. That happens, you know! Okay, not really, but I'm not about to risk it!

I curled myself into the smallest ball possible without squishing my nuts completely and rested my head gently against the bench's cold, hard surface. I threw the thin blanket over me, acting as if it was my shield like I had when I was younger.

I swear to God, I thought to myself while grinding my teeth, if I wake up with a splinter, Mark and Oliver are fucking dead!

Falling asleep was not an easy task. I would jolt up with my fists at ready at any small noise. If a squirrel ran by, or the wind rustled the leaves, or a nearby homeless man shat himself, I was ready to fight them and avenge the death of my father.

The whole time I was trying to drift into slumber, all I could think about was how stupid I looked. Or how easy it would be to kill me right now! Anybody could come up behind me and choke me out. It'd be bye-bye Jonas!

I was so open and exposed. My butthole... So vulnerable. It'd be so easy to just...

And then sleep crept up on me like the homeless woman that stole my wallet.

***

"Excuse me..."

"No..."

       "Excuse me!"

       "Go away!"

"I'm sorry young man, but..."

"What! What the hell do you... Oh."

I sat up quickly, my eyes taking a painfully long time to adjust to the sun.
       Some mid-aged woman stood before me; she was wearing jogging clothes that were two times too tight and had one hot pink earphone out. Her hand was grasping the end of a leash that was holding back one monster of a rat. She was staring at me with confusion and... Disgust? I swear, this was Kris Jenner right in front of me.

The woman popped out one hip. "Look, I'm no cop but you ain't suppose to be sleepin' on these benches." She poked out her chest. I could see each wrinkle vibrate with power and false confidence. "It's against the park rules. And I will not hesitate to call the cops if you do not leave this area right now. I know the mayor and-"

I rolled my eyes and stood up. "Calm down, cougar." I  mumbled, slipping past her and her yapping bastard. "I'm going, I'm going."

       Some how, I managed to ignore her squeaking screaming and make it back to my apartment in one piece.

       And... My butthole was safe! I had done it!

       Since it was so early, Mark and Oliver were still asleep on the couch. I woke them up with a loud slamming of the door.

       Mark woke up with a little jolt and Oliver woke with a small yelp. They both looked at me and smiled, Oliver looking more relieved to see me than my other friend.

       "How did you sleep?" Mark asked with that dumb-ass grin.

       I stomped over and stood in front of him. "Like a baby." I replied cooly. And I must admit, I kinda felt like a bad ass in saying that. Even if I did have twigs in my hair and piss on my pant leg.

       "Didn't get inappropriately touched by a neighbor?" He asked.

       I shook my head. "Not one finger was laid on me." What a lie.

       Oliver smiled at me. "That's good to hear!" And I had a feeling that he actually meant what he was saying.

       But I was too focused to respond. I had thought of the perfect prank for Mark. I grinned down at him. "I dare you..." I grumbled, each word growing and growing with more intensity. "To break into Ms. Ratburry's apartment and steal her cat, Snuggles."

You see, our downstairs neighbor, Ms. Ratburry, was the worst woman I had ever had the misfortune to meet. Her place smells like cat piss all the time, she's absolutely delusional and paranoid about every possible thing, and she is strangely obsessed with her cat, Snuggles. Like, this-is-the-child-I-gave-birth-to-and-won't-let-him-out-of-my-sight-ever obsessed with that spoiled pussy.

       Breaking into her apartment will be a task of its own, but hiding that cat will be even harder.

       Mark and Ms. Ratburry has hated each other ever since we've moved in here. They're always trying to ruin each other's lives. So she is obviously going to know that Mark stole her fat cat, which should be even more fun for me to witness. I can't wait.

       Oliver's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. He was so not okay with this, but I really didn't give two big dookies and a flying coouch if he was okay with this or not. This was between me and Mark.

       Mark glared at me, but I saw the fear behind his eyes. "You bitch." He whispered.

// author's note //

ya sorry it took like a year to update this & it wasn't even a good chapter but whatever. here you go :-)